A Nihilist's Guide to the Duke's Mayo Bowl

We need to make one thing clear right off the bat: Virginia Tech is probably going to get dog walked against Minnesota in the Duke's Mayo Bath Bowl on Friday night. I'm not being overly negative or alarmist, I just want to set the proper emotional stakes.

Let's put it all on the table here. When they take the field in Charlotte, the Hokies will be without their starting quarterback, their best offensive player (Bhayshul Tuten), their second best offensive player (Jaylin Lane), another starting receiver, their starting left tackle, center and right guard. Oh, and they'll be playing their third string, redshirt freshman quarterback.

And that's only the offense!

The defense will be down two All-American defensive linemen, three of their top four safeties, both of their starting corners, their top two STARS and their former starting, now rotational middle linebacker. Oh right, they're also down their linebackers coach and defensive coordinator, and have given play calling duties to the triumvirate of Shawn Quinn, Brent Pry and...my god...IS THAT BUD FOSTER'S MUSIC????

If you're counting at home Tech will be missing 14 starters against the Golden Gophers and are a Peter Moore NFL-draft declaration away from the holy trinity of opt-outs. This is nowhere near the talented-but-massively-underachieving team we've watched through our horrified fingers this year.

Which is why I want you to approach this thing with a healthy dose of emotional distance. Don't think of this as the last game of the 2024 season. Think of it as the first spring game of 2025. The result has absolutely no bearing on the program other than letting the coaches get a look at what they've got on the roster moving forward. Watch the game with more of an educational lens. Like a researcher, watching a bunch of little experiments who could impact your future happiness.

So with that in mind, let's head into this probable beating with a few important things to watch that might make us all feel cozy in the warmth of a moral victory.