The Key Players Week 4 Fantasy Recap

Week 4 is over. I've got 2,990 words of knowledge and shit right here for you with this week's Fantasy and NFL recaps. Remember, I make no effort to hide my Redskins biases.

Here's what I think if you disagree with my biases:

Week 1's Recap can be found here. Week 2's is here. Week 3's is here.

Hernandezs Legal D 132.51, #OperationImpatience 100.54
Big weeks by Antonio Romo (26), Larry Fitzgerald (13), Arian Foster (23), Darren Sproles (25), Stephen Gostowski (14), Denver D (18) and am I just naming every single player because pretty much everyone but Run DMC (3) and Kyle Rudolph (0.5) had a great week for the modern day Cochran-Kardashians. #OperationImpatience had some solid performances out of Sir Thomas Brady (25.5), Frank Gore (19) and Kansas City D (19), but couldnt overcome the duds by MJD (3), Tavon Austin (0.5) and Dan Bailey (3). Hernandezs Legal D now stands comfortably in 3rd place, a game ahead of the glut of 2-2 teams fighting for the 4th and final playoff spot (okay, the playoffs are still 10 weeks away but IM FREAKING OUT GUYS) while #OperationImpatience is one of four 1-3 teams that need to string some wins together to get back into the hunt.

ANUSTART 128.52, JONESing for Austin 128.28
There are still 2 days left for stat corrections, so theres a chance that Cody wont lose in a horrendously sad fashion. Drew Brees and Marques Colston combined for 49.82 points in MNF to give Isabelle a 4-0 start; she also had nice weeks out of Wes Welker (19.5) and Reggie Bush (23). I can stop making fun of Codys RBs, as Willis McGahee is at least getting carries and LeVeon Bell had a coming out party (20.5) and Adrian Peterson is still Adrian Peterson (28). Cody also had nice weeks out of Demaryius Thomas (20.5) and RGIII (18.5). Codys leading the pack of 2-2 teams in points at least, so hes got that going for him.

Treadmill Horses 113.92, OrangeBarrelReroute 94.28
There are still 2 days left for stat corrections, but unless the league determines there was a different person wearing Dez Bryants jersey, thus negating his 20 points, the Treadmill Horses will still win here. Their balanced attack saw no one player gallop ahead of the herd (see what I did there?) with Vick (17.5), Bryant (20), Charles (18.5), Cameron (15), Akers (18) and Seattle D (17) all performing well. Scobeard once again was led by one horse, Peyton Manning (36) and saw his RBs struggle (Morris, Wilson and Green-Ellis combined for 14.5 points). The Treadmill Horses are in 3rd place while Scobeard brings up the rear in the glut of five 2-2 teams in points, technically in 8th.

Denvers Nuggets 110.94, Imagine Wagons 109.13
Beau survived a late push by Stevens Lamar Miller (13, and booooo the U) to hold on for a victory by just under 2 points. Matt Ryan (32), Victor Cruz (24.5) and Marshawn Lynch (19) all had stud weeks for the Chicken Nuggets, just enough that they survived stinkers from DeAndre Hopkins, CJ2K, Jason Witten and St. Louis D (combined 12 points). Steven had double digits out of his QB, 2 WR, 2 RB and TE, but just 9 out of his FLEX/K/DEF to fall behind the pace. With Aaron Rodgers on bye, he was forced to start Sam Bradford, who had trouble with football and notebooks on Thursday night (see GIF below) and got just 13.5 points out of it. Boldin (16), Forte (19.5), Miller (13) and Gonzalez (27) did play well for him, though. Beau holds an 8 point lead over me for 3rd out of the 5 teams stuck at 2-2 while Steven is 6th in the league in points scored but in 10th place overall.

EverydayImRussellin 102.32, Centaurrian Gray 90.03
Dammit. I know the projections are bullshit, but my team was favored by 25 points to start the week and lost by 12. Thats lame. Jonathan had a solid balanced attack from his teams namesake (14.5), Reginald Bruce Wayne (16), Fred Im Sorry Mrs. Jackson (14.5), Coby Fleener (13.5), Adam Vinatieri (14) and the steal of the week, the Skins D (18). I had decent weeks by Matt Stafford (23) and Antonio Gates (21.5) but a bunch of poo poo from everyone else, led by AJ Green (5), Ray Rice (1.5) and Cincys D (4). I also benched Dwayne Bowe (12) and Phillip Rivers (36) last second for Stafford and Josh Gordon (7), which would have propelled me to victory. Dammit. Now Im right smack dab in the middle of the league at 6th and Steven has life with his first win (although still in 12th due to points).
fry-fry chicky-chick 97.9, Money Badger 86.23
Its fair that danibails, who was 2nd in the league in scoring going into week 4 and 0-3, finally got a win this week. Its funny that it happened with her scoring the fewest points out of a winning team this week. Andrew Luck (25.5), Torrey Smith (23.5) and Pierre Garcon (12) led the way for her squad, who survived 3.5 out of DeSean Jackson in the FLEX spot and 1 out of Josh Brown at K. Money Badger left Ahmad Bradshaw in the FLEX spot, and since he didnt play, that hurt the team (#INSIGHT). He had a great showing by Jimmy Graham (24) and good enough ones out of Kapernick 917.5) and Edelman (13) to keep it close, but just didnt get enough out of Doug Martin/Giovani Bernard (combined 13.5) or the rest of the supporting cast to get the W. Danibails is now in 9th place and while still solid in points scored for the year fell from 2nd to 5th in that category. In the week of her first win. Incredible. Money Badger is still holding strong in the 2-2 glut, currently 7th due to points.

Now that I've bugged you enough with making fun of you all, here are your NFL GIFcaps!

WEEK 4 BYES: CAROLINA AND GREEN BAY

49ers 35, Rams 11
God, the Rams just blow. All of the 49ers' relevant fantasy guys had TD's, but Gore and Kaepernick lost fumbles to shave a little bit of value away. Sam Bradford went 19/41 for 202, 1 garbage time TD, 1 pick and 1 fumble, and the Rams ran 19 times for 18 yards.

HOW DO I FOOTBALL?

Frank Gore can still motor

Phil Dawson tried dat 71 yard fair catch field goal which was cool and all except it was nowhere close:

Bills 23, Ravens 20 lol
The Bills made me nervous, as they tried their hardest to blow their 13 point halftime lead but managed to hang on. The Ravens only carried the ball 9 times in the game and twice in the second half, which makes perfect sence since Joe Flacco put up an ELITE 2 TD/5 INT performance.

Joe Flacco signed $100 million extension over the offseason. So kind of him to redistribute the wealth to the poor residents of Buffalo.

Browns 17, Bungles 6
Brian Hoyer put up another nice week (25/38 for 269 and 2 TD) against a depleted by injury Bungles secondary and the Browns shut down Andy Dalton (23/42 for 206, 1 INT and 1 fumble lost) and the Bungles' running game (20 carries for 63 yards) for victory. It was an embarrassing loss for Cincinnati, who had a chance to put themselves 1 game ahead of Baltimore, 2 ahead of Cincy and 3 ahead of Poopsburgh.

"Andy Not Dandy Dalton", or "Bungles Gonna Bungle" or "both"?

Lions 40, Bears 32
It would be easy for me to say that the score is closer than the game was, as Detroit scored 16 in the last 4 minutes, but considering how much of a shitshow this game was on both ends, would it have surprised you if the Bears got the onside kick, scored a TD and sent the game to OT with another 2 point conversion? Well, Cutler would have probably thrown a pick had they gotten the ball back, so moot point. Reggie Bush had the game of his life (139 and a TD rushing, 34 receiving) and Matt Forte wasn't too shabby himself (95 and a TD rushing, 22 receiving) to counteract their QBs' combined 6 turnovers.

Reggie Bush's Madden 2006 run:

Matt Stafford fumbles, quickly imagines that the football is a keg, and recovers for a TD.

Did Nick Fairley really knock Suh down, or did Suh take a dive to try and take Ansah's knees out?

Chiefs 31, Giants 7 lol
What's harder to believe: the Kool-Aid Man started 4-0 with the freaking Chiefs, or the Giants are 0-4? BOTH HAPPENED IN ONE GAME. The Chiefs had a balanced passing attack, with TD throws to Jamaal Charles, Dwayne Bowe and Sean McGrath (who I'm convinced was a test tube baby created with DNA taken from Tony Gonzalez's dandruff). 16 of Elisha Manning's 37 attempts were Victor Cruz targets; he caught 10 of them for 164 and a beautiful 69 yard TD, but they got basically squat from their other guys against a Brandon Flowers-less secondary. David Wilson ran the ball fairly well (13 carries for 55 yards), so it makes even more sense that Tom Coughlin kept pulling him out for Da'Rel Scott whenever he got a groove going. Elisha fumbled twice, which means he gets benched, right Tom?

The Kool Aid Man is very courteous

Who the F was Elisha throwing to here?

Dexter McCluster PR TD/Salsa

Vikings 34, Steelers 27 lol
THIS GAME SOUNDED LIKE IT WAS IN LONDON! Greg Jennings, Adrian Peterson and Le'Veon Bell all scored 2 TD's in this shootout (well, since most guns are banned in the UK, slap-off?). Matt Cassel played a football game, throwing for 248 and 2 TD's and even friggin Jerricho Cotchery and Jerome Simpson showed up for over 100 yards receiving. What is this, 2008?

Jesus the Emanuel died for our sins, but Emmanuel Sanders couldn't dive for Big Ben's sin.

Welcome to the league, Le'Veon.

Sweet Baby Ray's, Adrian!

Cardinals 13, Buccaneers 10
The Mike Glennon show looks a lot like the Josh Freeman show. The Giraffe went 24/43 in his debut for 193 yards, 1 TD, 2 picks to Patrick Peterson and a lost fumble. Let's be honest, nobody gives a shit about this game other than Doug Martin (27 for 45 and 0 TD, shiiiiit) and Larry Fitzgerald (6 for 68 and a TD, niiiiice).

Fake punt? FAKE PUNT! Literally the only exciting thing about this game:

Colts 37, Jaguars 3
Remember when the Jags were up 3-0 after the first quarter and you were like "LOL THE JAGUARS ARE BEATING THE COLTS THE COLTS SUCK WHO IS YOUR GOD NOW JIM IRSAY?!?" Yeah, well that didn't last. Trent Richardson carried 20 times for 60 yards and a TD in a game where the Colts' other 9 carries averaged 10.4 yards per. EVEN DONALD BROWN RAN FOR A 50 YARD GAIN ON THESE SCRUBS. Reggie Wayne and Coby Fleener caught TD's if you're into that kinda thing. MJD had a sad day (13 for 23, 0 TD), Cecil Shorts continued to catch a solid number of things thrown near him by terrible QB's (7 for 61, 0 TD)

Well, this one wasn't even Blaine Gabbert's fault:

Shehawks 23, Texans 20
I'm so mad that the Texans blew this game. Stupid UVA boy at QB throwing stupid passes right at Richard Sherman. Russell Wilson looked like hot garbage throwing the ball (12 for 23, 123 yards, 1 pick) but ran well (10 for 77). Marshawn Lynch had 17 for 98 and a TD including a 43 yard man run. Arian Foster and Andre Johnson had positive performances, with both going over 100 yards in their respective domains (and Foster picking up 69 and a TD receiving as well).

Dat Beast Mode

OXYGEN!

Stupid friggin UVA weenie Matt Schaub.

This was a cool pick, though:

Titans 38, Jets 13
BREAK UP THE TITANS! (no, Jets d-linemen, not BREAK THE TITANS! RIP Jake Locker). They may have their 3 wins against Pittsburgh, San Diego and the NEW YORK JEST but they all still count. Now it's Ryan Fitzpatrick's show for a few weeks.

Silly Geno, that's not how you butt fumble:

MOVE BITCH. GET OUT THE WAY!

REDSKINS 24, RAIDERS 14 HTTR
Remember that time where the Redskins actually held an opponent to under 300 total yards, had 7 sacks, forced a fumble and had a pick-6? Sure, it was against a backup QB and RB and the Raiders blow in general, but HTTR BABY! RGIII looked more comfortable rolling out and threw a respectable 58% for 227 and a TD. David Amerson had a 45 yard pick 6 in his first good performance ever and Ryan Kerrigan, Barry Cofield and Brian Orakpo (or as Dick Stockton would say, Oprako, Okkrako, Baracko, Shmashamako, etc) terrorized Matt Flynn's neighborhood.

Sadly, Barry Cofield did not do the taser dance after either sack, but here's what it would have looked like:

David Amerson did something positive!

Pierre Garcon with the nifty back leg kick

Roy Helu with da hurdle!

I am embarrassed that this bitch from Glee's brother caught a TD pass.

Broncos 52, Eagles 20 lol
The Iggles kept it close through a quarter and a half and then fell victim to a 38 point Broncos run before tacking on a late TD themselves. Demaryius Thomas and Wes Welker each caught 2 TD's and Peyton Manning was a surgeon, completing 82% of his passes for 327 yards. Both 2012 drafted backup QB's got some garbage time, which made Mel Kiper cream a little. The Iggles' stats don't even look that bad, just the Broncos are damn good. Imagine when they get Von Miller and Champ Bailey back, too.

I wish I could drink Chip Kelly's tears.

Chargers 30, Cowgirls 21 lol
When the Cowgirls had their 2 TD run late in the first half, I got pretty bummed. Fortunately for me, they didn't do shit outside of their 21 point second quarter and as long as the Broncos take care of Dallass next week, the Skins will be playing the Cowgirls for first place in week 6. Philip Rivers (83% for 401 yards, 3 TD and 1 pick) and Tony Romo (73% for 244 and 2 TD) each had fantastic days and both teams rushed the ball with competance as well (27 for 112 for SD and 16 for 92 for Dallass). Dez Bryant and Danny Woodhead each had 2 TD's, which is cool because for the first and last time ever we get to compare them to each other.

ANTONIO GATES PARTY LIKE IT'S 2004

I did a similar jig when I won my last Madden game

Patriots 30, Falcons 23
The game didn't really get exciting until the fourth quarter, where 30 of the game's 53 points were scored. Atlanta made it interesting late, but couldn't make it into the end zone in the game's last minute to tie. New England was efficient both passing the ball (Tom Brady was 65% for 316 and 2 TD) and running (31 for 132 and a TD) and had 0 turnovers. Atlanta struggled to run the ball (15 for 58) and thus relied heavily on Matt Ryan's arm. He didn't disappoint, throwing for 421 yards on 63% passing, 2 TD and 1 pick. Tony Gonzalez was his primary target, catching 12 balls for 149 yards and 2 TD, while Kembrell Thompkins (6 for 127 and a TD) and Julian Edelman (7 for 118) caught the majority of Tom Brady's passes. The Falcons fall to 1-3 with tough matchups against Seattle, New Orleans, Green Bay, San Francisco and the Redskins (lol) ahead of them, so they'll need to be almost perfect if they want to reach the playoffs. It does help that the NFC is a giant clusterfuck outside of NO and SEA right now, though.

Nothing to see here, just Bobby Kraft chillin' with his main man Floyd Money Mayweather:

Julian Edelman managed to not get injured from this:

Hippie Brady

Saints 38, Dolphins 17
Who's got two thumbs and stupidly thought the Dolphins would cover +7 last night? This guy. Each QB spread the ball like Travis Henry spreads his seed, with Brees completing 30 passes to 8 receivers and Tannehill completing 22 to 8 as well. The Dolphins couldn't keep up with the Saints' 2nd and 3rd quarter TD parade, and it certainly didn't help that Tannehill threw 3 picks and lost a fumble. Don't be fooled that some scrub named Khiry Robinson had half of the total carries for the Saints; 6 of his 12 carries came in garbage time in the 4th quarter as the Saints tried to do the only thing they're not good at: run time off of the clock.

Gruden what are you doing

Cool pick, bro:

This week was fun, minus me losing. Until next week!