The Key Players week 1 Fantasy recap

I decided to run a weekly GIF-heavy recap for the dynasty league that I'm the commissioner for. Since it's mostly an NFL recap and just a little bit about the actual league, it dawned on me - I bet some TKPers might like it too. Since I'm in a league of TKP folks, I figured this could be an appropriate place to add in my weekly jabs, jeers and GIFs. For the sake of decimals being hard, I'll generally use rounding in the recaps.

All GIF's came from either Deadspin or Bleacher Report. Finally, Bleacher Report is good for something!

WEEK 1 STANDINGS

ANUSTART 136.48, fry-fry chicky-chick 118.62
What better way to start than some girl-on-girl action!

Isabelle got huge games out of Drew Brees (28), Reggie Bush (27), Vernon Davis (22) and Wes Welker (17) to score the most points this week. This team also has Marques Colston and Trent Richardson, so they're legit good...and my week 2 opponent. Poop. The fighting Danibails had a great week as well, just got screwed over by a tough opponent. Andrew Luck (29.5), Shady McCoy (25), Owen Daniels (18.5) and DeSean Jackson (16.5) all put up solid weeks, but she was ultimately undone by meh performances like Stevan Ridley's 2.5 and the GMen Defense's 4.

JONESing for Austin 127.96, OrangeBarrelReroute 103.63
Post-Thursday night forum post by Scobeard (OrangeBarrelReroute): HAHAHAHAHA PEYTON MANNING EARLY ROUND WAS SUCH A "DUMB" PICK. (he went 20th overall).
Post-Monday night forum post by Scobeard: Damnit. My running backs are cursed. Fuck this league. Fuck everything.

Scobeard found a way to lose with 53 points out of Peyton Manning, getting under 10 points from all of his other players except for Mike Williams (no, not USC Fat Mike Williams). JONESing for Austin got 30+ point performances out of Demariyus Thomas and Adrian Peterson as well as 29 from RGIII and 10+ from Arizona's D and Julio Jones, more than enough to seal the deal. If Cody can find another RB so he doesn't have to start Michael Bush and/or Le'Veon Bell, his team will be pretty scurry.

Treadmill Horses 122.27, #OperationImpatience 81.87
The Treadmill Horses (from what I remember, of no relation to Treadmill Horse from TKP) galloped out to a big early lead and acted like nobody ever turned off the treadmill, gallavanting all the way through Monday night with points. Six of their players scored double digits, including 29 by Michael Vick and 25 by Jared Cook. Operation Impatience certainly could have used the Calvin Johnson TD's that were called back. Only Tom Brady (23), Frank Gore (12.5), Steve Smith (11) and Dan Bailey (13) put up 8+ points

Hernandez's Legal D 120.12, Money Badger 106.43
The Modern-Day Robert Kardashian crew only saw two players score in single digits in Arian Foster (9) and Kyle Rudolph (3), putting forth a balanced effort to knock off a strong Money Badger team. Tony Romo (26.5), Larry Fitzgerald (20) and Brandon Marshall (16.5) stuck out for the Legal D in their win. Money Badger had a nice week out of Colin Kaepernick (37.5) and only saw three starters not score double digits, but other than Kaep their double digit guys were all in the 10-12 point range rather than all the way from 10-20 for the Legal D.

Imagine Wagons 116.97, EverydayI'mRusselin 75.35
The Imagine Wagons rode 14+ points out of Andre Johnson and Matt Forte on top of huger performances from Aaron Rodgers (31) and Anquan Boldin (28) to a sizable victory. You may think that because of the large score differential, EverydayI'mRusselin is a bad team. That's not the case - just everything went wrong for them this week: Roddy White's injury (2 points), CJ Spiller's mehness (3.5 points), Zach Sudfeld being completely irrelevant (0 points), the Colts not lighting up the Raiders (just 3 extra points out of Vinatieri) and GB Defense being porous (1 point).

Centaurrian Gray 110.18, Denver's Nuggets 109.01
I kicked off the season with a thrilling come-from-behind victory over Denver's Nuggets, scoring 16 points between Antonio Gates and Ryan Mathews to eek out a 1 point victory. Outside of Matt Stafford (28 points) and AJ Green (31), My team was pretty pedestrian, but I did enjoy double digit scoring out of Ray Rice and Demarco Murray as well as the aforementioned Stafford, Green and Mathews. The Chick Fil A Nuggets were ultimately screwed over by James Jones scoring 0 points, but had good performances out of the former BC QB who shall not be named (27 points and hint - not Chase Rettig, Dave Shinskie, Dominique Davis, Chris Crane, Brian St. Pierre, Tim Hasselbeck, Matt Hass-oh, did I lose you?), Victor Cruz (32) and Jason Witten (19). The Nuggets would have won if our league awarded 2 points for having your starting TE vomit on the bench.

Here are the NFL game recaps!

Broncos 49, Ravens 27
The Peyton Manning show took over on Thursday night. Scobeard's team still lost #pray4scobeard

Brynden Trawick (more like Tardwick) killed his teammate Jacoby Jones

Danny Trevathan pulled a DeSean Jackson

Patriots 23, Bills 21
Poor Bills. They hang with the Patriots for the entire game and then lose on a last second field goal and then on top of it all, they still have to live in Buffalo.

Shane Vereen took over after Stevan Ridley had this ghost fumble. Vereen broke his wrist on his first snap and still managed to rush for over 100 yards and catch 7 passes. He'll be out at least 4 weeks and is on my team. Shiiiiit.

Bears 24, Bengals 21
The Bengals led the game 21-10 in the third quarter, but the Bears turned a Mohamed Sanu fumble into a late TD. Rey Maualuga helped seal the deal for the Bears with this judo move.

Dolphins 23, Browns 10
Did anyone actually watch this game, including Dolphins/Browns fans? I'm not convinced that the game actually happened, because there is no GIF evidence out there. So as a replacement, here is a GIF of dreadlock guy and creep guy videobombing Erin Andrews

Lions 34, Vikings 24
This was actually a pretty exciting game between the Lions and Adrian Peterson. If the Vikings had a QB other than Christian "Has a derp arm but somehow this motherfucker still found a way to bang Samantha Steele" Ponder, the Vikings might have made more of a game out of it. And the best part of the game is FOUR GIFS.

Adrian Peterson is fucking good.

Ndamukong Suh with his weekly dick move

I want Joe Fauria to score one million TD's now just for the GIFs

Colts 21, Raiders 17
If you're wondering "wow, are the Raiders actually good?" please slip the noose around your neck right now because that's a stupid question. Andrew Luck threw for 2 TD's and ran for 1 but was still somewhat upstaged by Terrelle Pryor's 329 combined yards and 1 bowled-over sideline bro.

But seriously, the Raiders thought they were gonna be so bad this year that they didn't even practice chest bumping!

Saints 23, Falcons 17
Shouldn't this game have gotten more buzz? I mean, it was a matchup between 2 likely playoff teams and was also Sean Payton's first game back after Bounty Gate. Roddy White played in the game pretty much to only serve as a decoy, and will supposedly be limited by his ankle sprain for up to 4 more weeks. Good thing I own him in half of my leagues. Also, this happened to seal the game for NO.

Jets 18, Buccaneers 17
This late hit out of bounds by Lavonte David set up the Jets' game winning field goal. Funny, I thought that former Miami Hurricanes were always cool and composed.

Also, ED HOCHULI'S FOREARMS

Titans 16, Steelers 9
How bad are the Steelers going to be this year? They were gifted 2 points a gigantic moron (who went to WVU, so not a huge surprise). Fortunately, this game was on the big screen my roommate and I were facing at Mister Days, so we got to watch the whole goddamn godawful game.

Seahawks 12, Panthers 7
Maybe it's just me being bitter about the Redskins losing to the Seahawks in the playoffs, but seriously? You could only beat the Panthers by 5? The Panthers led 7-6 in the fourth quarter and had a chance to take the lead late when DerpAngelo Williams fumbled the ball away on the Seahawks' 8 yard line.

Nothing all that exciting happened, so here's the punch that got Panthers DE Frank Alexander booted from the game.

Rams 27, Cardinals 24
Jared Cook had a day, catching 2 TD passes and fumbling away what would have been #3 thanks to the Honey Badger, who gave a fuck.

Also, FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN!!!

Chiefs 28, Jaguars 2
The derp bowl took place in Jacksonville this week in another game that nobody watched. Apparently the Chiefs won 28-2.
My boy Brandon Flowers had a pick-6

The Jaguars mascot isn't a fan of Donnie Avery TD's

Also, FAT GUY ASS!!!

49ers 34, Packers 28
Colin Kaepernick torched the Packers through the air with 412 yards and 3 TD's, including 208/1 to Anquan Boldin and 98/2 to Vernon Davis. Aaron Rodgers wasn't exactly a slouch (333 yards, 3 TD and 1 pick), but it wasn't quite enough to get the Packers out of Candlestick on top. And for the second year in a row, the Packers have
gotten fucked over by a bad call

Clay Matthews lost his cool, but got his money's worth

"THAT'S MY QUARTERBACK!"

Cowgirls 36, Giants 31
The Giants turned the ball over 6 times and still only lost by 5. Obviously, Manningface

Jason Witten and Tony Romo are so close that when Romo got his ribs crushed, Witten went ahead and did the throwing up for him. What a pal!

Also, Dez Bryant hates Gatorade

Iggles 33, Redskins 27
In the first half, Chip Kelly's offense looked unstoppable and the Redskins' looked very stoppable. In the second half, the Redskins made it a game as RGIII got more comfortable, but they played themselves so far out in the first half that it barely mattered.

This is how I feel about the game

DeAngelo Hall scored on the OJ Simpson White Ford Bronco chase of return TD's. Hard to tell if it was a forward pass or not due to ESPN not having a straight down the line camera angle.

That's a good way for a rookie to leave an impression on his coaches. Literally.

No worries for the Skins, though. Lots of hugs and love going around!

Texans 31, Chargers 28
I'll defer to the SB Nation post-mortem:
"Cause of death: Rivers got the ball back ten minutes into the third quarters with his team leading by two touchdowns. He'd played well to that point, completing 13 of 20 passes for four touchdowns and no turnovers. That's why this Three Mile Island of a closing effort - 1/9, 8 yards passing, and a pick on the last five San Diego drives - was especially painful watch, because Philip Rivers had JUST demonstrated he didn't have to do Philip Rivers Things."

But for the first half, Philip Rivers was back from the dead!

I LIKE BIG BLOCKS AND I CANNOT LIE