Why the Hokies Will Finish the 2014 Regular Season Undefeated

The college football preseason is littered with "experts" and amateur prognosticators filling the airwaves and interwebs with predictions for the upcoming season. With the exception of Phil Steele, these people don't have a personal crystal ball to look into. More egregious is their lack of research and the overwhelming level of subjectivity that pollutes their predictions.

At The Key Play, we try to stay away from that level of nonsense by doing yeoman's work to bring you the best, most accurate and surefire previews and analysis. TheFifthFuller and I have been fielding hundreds of requests from Hokie fans over the past few weeks¹ asking us to save them from biased opinions, and to publish a true assessment for the 2014 season.

Ask and you shall receive, #HokieNation. Ask and you shall receive.

Based on our highly scientific and wholly objective analysis, we have identified a number of key data points for every Virginia Tech opponent that we believe sways the competitive balance of each matchup. These intangibles are presented in detail below, and as you will see, they illustrate how the Hokies could experience an unprecedented level of success this season.

William & Mary

William & Mary is one of the oldest institutions of higher education in the country, and with that history comes a lengthy list of notable alumni. Numerous political figures, including four U.S. Presidents such as George Washington, James Monroe and Thomas Jefferson, graduated from W&M. But let's be honest, we have already devalued one Jeffersonian university into an afterthought, so let's at least give the Tribe a chance by finding a relevant alumnus to evaluate against our beloved Hokies.

Jon Leibowitz Stewart played soccer for the Tribe in the early 1980's, though you may know him for his starring role as Adam Sandler's roommate in Big Daddy. Oh, and he also hosts the Daily Show. You might have heard of it. Okay, so W&M's most relevant alum was a soccer player who makes people laugh for a living.

VT's most famous and relevant alum is arguably none other than Mr. Homer Hickam. Homer grew up in Coalwood, West Virginia. As the name of his hometown implies, his aspirations of traveling upward were diametrically opposed to a local industry focused on traveling below ground. Homer Hickam helped take us to outer space. SPACE. S-P-A-C-E. There is no greater human achievement than space. You can't beat space. You gonna pick jokey man over GUY WHO TOOK US TO SPACE? That's like having the opportunity to start a dream rock band, and choosing Bobcat Goldthwait as your frontman over Prince. The Hubbell Telescope is still sending us pictures because of Homer.

Hokies Record: (1-0; 0-0)

Ohio State

This is an easy one. Frank Beamer has NEVER lost a football game in the state of Ohio as head coach of Virginia Tech, going 2-0 during his tenure. Ergo, he can NOT lose in the state of Ohio. I think that's how statistics work...

Hokies Record: (2-0; 0-0)

East Carolina

In November, ECU declared that they were the best program in the state of North Carolina. Lest we all forget, Beamer OWNS North Carolina, going 31-5 against North Carolina teams since joining the ACC. So, congrats, that just means you're Frank's favorite pet.

Hokies Record: (3-0; 0-0)

Georgia Tech

A brief compare and contrast between Georgia Tech fans and Virginia Tech fans would be appropriate here.

vs.

Moving on...

Hokies Record: (4-0; 1-0)

Western Michigan

Fun Fact: Did you know that Western Michigan's nickname was the Waldos until 1988?² They were originally named after the university's founder, Dwight B. Waldo, but after the popularization of the children's book "Where's Waldo" in the United States in 1987, they decided to change their name to copy a successful sports team: The Broncos.³

Hokies Record: (5-0; 1-0)

North Carolina

Sure, UNC-Chapel Hill may have been the first public institution in the nation, but their puny 729 acre campus is dwarfed by the 2,600 acres of beautiful, rolling southwest Virginia countryside that characterizes Tech's campus. Much like Third and Logan, size matters.

Hokies Record: (6-0; 2-0)

Pittsburgh

Pitt's Chad Voytik has taken his first snaps in practice as the new starting quarterba...and, Dadi just sacked him.

Hokies Record: (7-0; 3-0)

Miami

This can be solved with a single question: fourth-down-and-short. Who would you rather have carrying the rock for your squad?

Hokies Record: (8-0; 4-0)

Boston College

BC's most iconic architectural element is its stained glass. Hokie Stone is easily Tech's most significant character defining feature of Tech's entire campus. There is a reason why the game isn't called "Rock, Glass, Scissors." Rock beats glass every time. And if rock doesn't beat glass the first time, it most certainly beats it the second time in the ACC Championship game.⁴

Oh, and Andre Williams plays in the NFL now, so we can collectively breathe a sigh of relief.

Hokies Record: (9-0; 5-0)

Duke

The edge in this matchup can be easily discerned by playing a simple game we like to call, "Things That Were Real Things The Last Time Duke Beat Virginia Tech Twice In A Row", a.k.a. "If You Think Duke Will Beat Us Again This Year You Are Out Of Yo Damn Mind":

• Harry S. Truman was President (Dwight Eisenhower was still just a pretty good general).
• America was still detonating nuclear weapons in Nevada just to taunt Russia.
• Tony Danza, Ace Frehley, Dale Earnhardt and Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) were less than six months old.
• I Love Lucy premiered that week.
• Frank Beamer had turned five years old two days earlier and was probably having a bitchin birthday party
• Kendall Fuller had not yet vowed to double his single game interception record

Hokies Record: (10-0; 6-0)

Wake Forest

For those that aren't aware, Wake Forest plays at BB&T Field which was built as a virtual twin of Lane Stadium. However, in the intervening decades, Virginia Tech expanded Lane Stadium to hold over 65,000 people, more than double BB&T Field's capacity of 31,500. In addition to that, on several Saturdays every fall, Lane Stadium doubles as an artillery range. Wake Forest trots out some crazy looking old guy who looks like he got lost on his way home from a vaudeville show. They are literally bringing a guy in a top hat and a bow tie to a cannon fight.

Hokies Record: (11-0; 7-0)

Virginia

Despite 10 straight victories in the matchup, offensively the Hokies will be hard pressed to put together sustained drives against Virginia's Third Down Defense, tops in the nation in 2013 and the most important defensive statistical category OF ALL TIME. Wait, it wasn't No. 1 in the nation last season? You're saying it was 23 points (.320) worse than the Hokies (.297)? Oh, okay...nevermind.

Hokies Record: (12-0; 8-0)

As you can see, our next level research forecasts this football season could be one to remember. The beauty of this analysis is that it removes the common reliance on lucky breaks and widespread mayhem from its prediction model. Buckle up #HokieNation.

¹We haven't.
²Seems that we finally found Waldo...bonus points for the person who thought to look in Kalamazoo.
³Absolutely none of this is true, but it would be pretty awesome if it was.
⁴Is it weird that I envision Jeff Jagodzinski sitting alone in a dark basement replaying that Matt "Bleepin'" Ryan TD Pass over and over again? It is? Oh, okay...