"Bowl"rensics: UCLA

Hello. Today, on a very special "Bowl"rensics, we take a deep look inside our opponents in the previously covered Sun Bowl in lovely, previously covered El Paso, Texas. The last opponent forced to deal with two Fullers at one time (at least for the foreseeable future) are the Bruins from UCLA.

So THIS is why their traffic sucks so bad

1. What is a UCLA?

A. The University of California, Los Angeles. The school was originally founded in 1882, and in 1919 became the second school of the UC system, after UC Berkeley. While the textbooks in Berkeley were organic and grass fed, the southern Californians were disappointed that there were no vegan or gluten free learning materials available and set out to start an institution that would reflect their particular lifestyle. More recently, they have made great pains to ensure their network infrastructure and janitorial staff are all locally sourced. In 1958, the name was officially changed from University of California at Los Angeles to University of California, Los Angeles, so they are technically known as UC,LA. Their mascot is a Bruin, which is just another name for bear, which they completely did NOT copy from Cal Berkeley, who are the Golden Bears.

Aw, it's all cuddly and furry and original.

2. Do they football at UC,LA?

A. Indeed, UC,LA has a proud football tradition, producing such luminary alumni as Troy Aikman, Cade McNown and Heisman Trophy winner Gary Beban¹. They have a national title to their name, won in 1954 under Red Sanders, who later went on to start a 70s sitcom family in Wisconsin.

After football, Red just hung out with Cheech and Mila Kunis

More recently, UC,LA's success has been fleeting, although they did finish 10-2 with a win right here in the Sun Bowl in 2005 under head coach Karl Rove.

3. So THAT'S why he sucks at predicting elections. Do they have any good rivalries?

A. UC,LA's main rivalry is with the University of Southern California, or USC. Both are located in Los Angeles and have as intense a rivalry you can have when you're dealing with Southern Californians. Despite UC,LA historically focusing on basketball while USC has excelled at the more entertaining sport, they have managed to have some pretty good games, including the 1967 "Game Of the Century", the only game in college football history that featured two players who would go on to combine for two Heisman Trophies and two murders in USC's OJ Simpson and Gary Beban².

This is also a very confused rivalry, with a myriad of traditions that all kind of blur together. They used to play for the Lexus Gauntlet, and yes they had a competition sponsored by a luxury car, which seems fitting for LA. They also have a Victory Bell they play for. Both student bodies go to great length to protect statues of their mascots, with USC students wrapping Tommy Trojan in duct tape and shrink wrap which, c'mon. The least you could do is get a giant condom to put over him, I bet Trojan would sponsor the hell out of that.

4. Heh heh, I know where they can get big enough condoms.

A. Uh, can I get a clean up on question 4? Yeah, it's full of shit.

5. [Glaring angrily] Moving on. Let's talk about recent history.

A. They're pretty good this year, finishing 9-3 with two decent wins, at Nebraska and in their rivalry game with USC and are currently ranked #17. Despite that and their record, this is the first year since 2010 they haven't won the Pac-12 South division. They have a pretty good quarterback named Brett Hundley who is good at running AND throwing, which we don't really excel at defending this year. They also have an iron man running back/linebacker named Myles Jack and Anthony Barr who won the Lott Defensive Player of the Year.

6. And do they have a coach?

A. Yes, they do. It is the second year for head coach Jim Mora (Jr) son of NFL coaching legend Jim Mora, Sr. He used to work for his dad when he coached the New Orleans Saints, and clearly demonstrates that a head coach hiring his son is ALWAYS a good idea³.

7. Do they have any interesting players on their roster?

A. Of course they do! Some of the highlights include Kylie Fitts, Fabian Moreau, Librado Boracio and Asiantii Woulard, who in the offseason perform in a Destiny's Child tribute group, though they tend to focus on the earlier material when it was still a foursome.

You should see how well Kylie pulls off Beyonce's zubaz outfit from this video

8. Well that's fun! Anyone else?

A. Well, we've got some old favorites popping back up. Not only are we dealing with a Grayson (Mazzone) and a Blake (Backer), they've got a Caleb (Benenoch) as well. Oddly, redshirt freshman quarterback Jerry Neuheisel is the son of Rick Neuheisel, who used to coach at UC,LA until, ya know, he got FIRED in 2011. Jerry is still there. I'm sure that's not awkward in the least.

If THAT didn't make it awkward, his hair probably does.

9. Wow, that's pretty awful. Anything on their coaching staff?

A. Interestingly, Grayson's father, offensive coordinator Noel Mazzone, was given this job as part of the Witness Protection Program after spending years cooking meth in the desert.

AND his bio lists his alma mater as New Mexico. They aren't even trying to hide it.

10. Do they have any Fullers?

A. This is where it gets weird. Yes. Devin Fuller, their second leading wide receiver, is a Fuller. THEY HAVE A COUNTER FULLER. And what's more, he will be on the field directly facing OUR Fullers. Now while I had overwhelming confidence in our Fuller quantity superiority earlier, word on the Twitters is Kyle is doubtful for the game. Which, one would think, would make this a Fuller-neutralization. BUT, lest you forget, ALL of the Fuller brothers from Mama Fuller plied their trade in Blacksburg. And as Mama Fuller clearly supplied the Fuller magic, he is a faux-Fuller. An imposter. Not one to fear. Plus, the athlete he admires most is Michael Vick, so he is clearly a plant⁴.

11. Wait. THEY HAVE A FULLER?!

A. Okay, don't let Fuller-fear paralyze you. Trust in Mama Fuller.

12. Quick, distract me. Any alumni that can determine how much I should hate UC,LA?

A. Let's take a look. I'm not going to lie, they've got a pretty strong resume. From Giada to Countess Cora Grantham, as well as Gabrielle Union and Heather Locklear, they've produced a fair amount of talent in the fairer sex. In addition, they've got Matt Damon and James Franco, dudes that tend to be in pretty good movies. On the flip side, they've also cursed us with Jack Black, Dax Shepard (from Punk'd) as well as BOTH lead attorneys from the OJ trial, Marcia Clark and Johnny Cochran, and Judge Joe Brown. But the true bottom of the barrel is Rodney Alcala, who's fascinating story includes an appearance on The Dating Game DURING his murder spree.

All of this cannot overcome the true testament to UC,LA's contribution to the world, 90s sitcom stars. No less than Blossom (Mayim Bialik), Winnie Cooper (Danica McKellar) and Al from Step by Step (Christine Lakin). I can just hear it now, "Tuesdayin a very special Sun Bowl."

Turns out it's better if you pull pictures from how you remember them. And seriously, what was the deal with all those hats, Blossom?

13. What about good eating near UC,LA⁵?

A. We're going to stay in our Way-Back Machine for this and take a look at an old favorite in nearby Beverly Hills, The Peach Pit. Don't be fooled by its tony address; this is a down home, retro diner that Guy Fieri would be happy to "Drive In" to⁶. They transition to a nightclub after dark and tons of weirdos show up, but during the day you can get a good old fashioned burger, fries and a shake. Let's take a look at the reviews:

From Anthony B. on Yelp:

"The food was alright, service is terrible. My burger was overcooked, probably because the kid behind the counter kept getting distracted by fixing his enormous hair. The owner seems nice, but is super creeper. The whole time I was there he was talking to high school girls about their 'problems', and it really felt like he was trying to get in their pants. Stay away if you have daughters."

Oh. That makes me sort of uncomfortable. Let's see what Andrew Z. had to say:

"I ate at one of the new outdoor 'cafe' tables, and while the menu is doing it's best to blend in with the surrounding area by incorporating words like "locally sourced" and "gluten free" into the menu. But my Asian Citrus Salad was shredded iceberg lettuce with canned tangerine slices and stale croutons. Plus the server just f*&king LEFT in the middle of the meal when his girlfriend showed up with some 'emergency'. This is a bush league joint, don't go here."

Okay, so maybe just swing by and take pictures for nostalgia purposes.

14. Not likely. What about barbecue?

A. There seem to be a plethora of choices, as people come to LA from all over the country, regularly fail at acting/singing and are forced to rely on the other talents they brought with them, in many cases cooking and smoking. Of course, you have to eliminate any place that claims to have "Texas BBQ" since it's made with beef. Then it turns out that California uses the term barbecue the way we use "cook out" which confuses the hell out of everything. And there are a ton of joints that are Korean or Filipino barbecue (after researching, I really want to eat at Park's Finest, but we did that already. So I did some digging and found Baby Blues, which has two locations pretty close to UC,LA.

Let's look at excerpts from Nicole C's review on Yelp:

"Oustanding decor, excellent food provding large portions, and friendly service!! I was a bit hesitant to come here due to the lack of animal in my diet but my friend was craving it, so I looked at the menu. I found there were plenty of items that I could have.

Walking in and looking around, you immediately notice the unique decor. It made me feel like I stepped outta LA and into a restaurant located in the backroads of the deep south. Mind you, I've never even been to the deep south but if I imagine what a restaurant would be like there, this restaurant is the one . There is so much to look it all over this restaurant. The way it has been decorated is really beautiful and gives you a "kick up your heels" feeling. I really love the decor!!

Our server Julianne...is a true southern bell working in the heart of LA. Again, I've never been down south to meet a southern bell but Julianne is what I would expect. She's an outstanding server who really is from the south (I asked), is down-to-earth, kind, sweet, gives honest and detailed suggestions, and was working that room like it was 2nd nature.

A heartless man would take this opportunity to mock Nicole unmercilessly for her naive, stereotyped and somewhat condescending venture to this Dixie outpost. But she's just so damn cute and earnest in her attempt to culture herself without leaving LA. Plus, if someone comments on the outstanding decor three times in the first two paragraphs and acknowledges they don't eat meat, you HAVE to trust their review of a barbecue restaurant. Lastly, it's "belle".

And as a counterpoint to the numerous reviews commenting on the bad service, Gabriel E. shares:

For you idiots that get all butt heart and leave low stars for bad service, YOU COME HERE FOR THE FOOD YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. If you want service go pay for a happy ending somewhere!!

15. Ha, Gabriel sounds like how realists react to the Mark Leal Truthers. Speaking of, update me on the COUNTDOWN TO FIVE INTERCEPTIONS:

A. Logan and Kendall both upped their interceptions by one against UVA, leaving us at the same Fuller Adjusted Interceptions, or FAINT count of FIVE. Unfortunately for UC,LA, they will have to complete passes to Kendall or Kyle if they'd like to pick off any of Logan's passes.

16. Alright, how about the RAGE MATCH?

A. Well, I don't know if you watched, but LOLUVA's offense did a whole lotta nothin all day. Our defensive line was solid but not showy, occupying blockers to allow our linebackers to repeatedly destroy Lambert. However, no one talks smack to LOLUVA better than James Gayle. While I feel like almost all of the players take the game very seriously every year, Gayle seems to hold the hate in a very special place in his heart. Combined with his half sack and in recognition of his outstanding career, I award the #HATEWEEK RAGE MATCH to James Gayle.

17. I'm going to miss his UVA tweets. So what should we watch for in the bowl?

A. Aside from any friendly hikers on Handjob Hill:

• Kyle's status is up in the air AGAIN, you guys. This might be his last chance to play with his little brother. This REALLY sucks.
• How much our defensive line ravages their below average offensive line while at the same time containing Brett Hundley.
• To see who steps up to fill Trey Edmunds shoes, because it probably won't be J.C. Coleman if he has to block their monstrous linebackers.
• To see if Logan can take advantage of UC,LA's weak secondary and drops bombs on them all day.

That's all for UC,LA. Let's go Hokies and we'll see you on the other side!

¹Who?
²Still no idea who this guy is, but at least he didn't kill anyone.
³Jeff Bowden, Mike Groh, Jay Paterno and Kyle Shanahan would disagree, but I digress.
⁴If you don't think that Frank is smart enough to plant a distant Fuller on an opponent we had a miniscule chance of playing during his years at that school in order to sow dissension and fear, I don't know what to tell you.
⁵I chose not to do an El Paso restaurant recommendation as EPHokie already covered that here.
⁶This physically hurt me to write, even as a joke.