"Foe"Rensics: To Heel and Back

Hello. Welcome to "Foe"Rensics. For more in depth coverage of North Carolina, be sure to read last year's edition, and just don't say you did even though we're talking about UNC.

1. Excellent. Did we play a football game last week?

A. Yes! Well, we played half of one. In the first half, the eerie spectre of BeamerBall returned to scare Western Michigan into gifting us the lead through special teams errors. At halftime, apparently after Frank perused the The Key Play, he issued a THOU SHALT RUN THE DAMN BALL edict. And it worked. Over 300 yards on the ground, Trey Edmunds showed up again and everything, it was great.

2. Wow. So we won?

A. Oh, yeah, forgot that bit. Yes, we won. 35-17 but we got there in a far more interesting way than the score implies. Go watch the highlights, it was cool.

3. Well, that's great!

A. Yes! In related news, the Coastal Division is...not good. Miami, fresh off of looking defenseless against Nebraska, shut Duke down. UNC got ripped by a true freshman quarterback in Death Valley. Pitt lost to AKRON. LOLUVA is, well. While many dream of the Coastal finishing entirely 4-4, I can't see how UNC or LOLUVA get that many wins and how we get that many losses. Well, I CAN, but I choose not to, because that would involve further dependency on alcohol.

Race for all ACC Coastal Teams going 4-4 continues to tighten up @HollyAnderson @ralphDrussoAP pic.twitter.com/1p3WYY2gT8— CFB Leaderboard (@cfblb) September 29, 2014

4. Oh. Do we have a game this week?

A. Indeed we do. The fearsome Tar Heels of North Carolina. As you may know, UNC provides its students a better education, campus life and experience than Virginia Tech; at least, that's what their alumni, who rival LOLUVA in douchery and obnoxiousness, will tell you. But are they right? Is all the braggadocio justified? There's only one way to find out, isn't there? With heart, faith and steel. In the end, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

HERE WE ARE. PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE

5. What the hell are you doing now?

A. A competition across the athletic landscape, the only true measure of the worth of a university. FIRST UP:

#DBU

Who has the better history of defensive backs? If you're evaluating purely on All-Conference or All-American recognition, as well as post-college success over the last 20 years, it's hard to compete with Dre Bly, Trimane Goddard and noted Twitter, cooking, beer, pepper and reality TV enthusiast Michael Felder.

All the Hokies have to counter with are Torrian Gray, Pierson Prioleau, Loren Johnson, Keion Carpenter, Anthony Midget, Ike Charlton, Ronyell Whitaker, Cory Bird, Kevin McAdam, DeAngelo Hall, Willie Pile, Michael Crawford, Jimmy Williams, Aaron Rouse, Vincent Fuller, Eric Green, Justin Hamilton, Macho Harris, Brandon Flowers, D.J. Parker, Kam Chancellor, Roc Carmichael, Jayron Hosley, Davon Morgan, Kyle Fuller, Eddie Whitley, Antone Exum, Kyshoen Jarrett and Kendall Fuller. Oh. Wait.

Winner: Hokies

6. Okay, that's not a bad start for the good guys.

A. Coastal Division titles

Five to the square root of -1¹. Although they did get a super sweet ring, so I guess that counts for something?

What's protocol on a fake championship ring. Do they wear it in public?

Winner: Hokies

7. You gotta admit, 8-4 is a PREEEEEETY solid record there, chief.

A. Hokie Stone vs. Coach's Stepping Stone

Let's take a walk down memory lane. 1977, Bill Dooley uses Chapel Hill to earn himself a better job a state north, in Blacksburg. Fast forward to 1997 and Mack Brown has stepped on UNC's face on the way to an eventual national championship in Austin, TX. From 2007-2010, Butch Davis used the Heels as a stepping stone on his way out of coaching. Oh, and for good measure, Frank Beamer used the Heels as a launching pad for a raise for his entire coaching staff back in Blacksburg².

All that compared to the most beautiful limestone on the planet?

Even better than on a helmet

Winner: Hokies

8. Well, this is getting a little out of hand.

A. Supervisor of Morale vs. Jumping Shane Beamer

Why do you need to give a guy a job as the Supervisor of Morale when you can just wait for your running backs coach to go bonkers every once in a while?

Damn, dude is nuts

Winner: Hokies

9. Nothing gets my blood pumping like a man in his mid-thirties jumping around in khakis!

A. Argyle vs. Uncle Argyle

Which would you rather have teach you swordplay?

UNC's unabashed affinity for argyle pattern is exceeded only by LOLUVA's lust for bowties. And while I have nothing against the Scots, unless you're caber tossing or your mascot is the Highlanders, I'm not sure where the argyle comes from. HOWEVER, Uncle Argyle, played by noted Scottish thespian Brian Cox, is a whole nother level of badassery. And some quick research reveals that there were FIVE different football letterwinners at Virginia Tech with the last name of Cox. Given the heavy Scottish presence in Appalachia, I'm sure some of them have to be somehow related to Brian. Therefore:

Winner: Hokies

10. Okay. You made your point. Let's move on.

A. Wait, last one, I promise! This one may hit a little TOO close to home for Heels fans. Venturing outside of football to what truly matters in Chapel Hill, how do we compare in basketball? Well, as anyone will tell you, the beauty of college sports lies in the upset. And how many times has Virginia Tech upset UNC when they were ranked in the top 5? TWICE. How many times has UNC returned the favor? NEVER. BOOSH. We win, 2-0.

Winner: Hokies

11. OKAY, I'M CONVINCED. How are their Fullers?

A. Nonexistent. They do have a WR named Jordan Fieulleteau, which ALMOST has all the letters in Fuller. But doesn't. Spelling isn't their strong suit in Chapel Hill.

12. Any other roster notes?

A. Yes. They have freshman wide receiver Austin Proehl, who is the son of the NFL wide receiver famous for his gritty scrappiness and his blue collar work ethic, Ricky Proehl. Expect to see much scrappy grit if he makes the field on Saturday. They also have Norkeithus Otis, who would still have the most badass name on their team even if his nickname wasn't "Nuke". And finally, in other celebrity news, freshman understudy at placekicker Freeman Jones, son of the late hip hop artist Russell Jones³.

Family resemblance is pretty strong

13. You keep saying Chapel Hill. Is UNC a church? Should I visit it?

A. No, it's not a church. If you go there, according to Google, the most popular attraction is a garden, followed by another garden, a golf course and an art museum. So I'm going to break my own format and talk about a kitchen store! If you haven't been, you should go to Southern Season, which is basically a giant candy and gadget store with a bunch of stuff you don't need but you can convince yourself to buy while you're there. For example, I bought a SWEET avocado slicer there that I have never, ever used. LET'S GO TO THE REVIEWS! First up, Gina Difino:

A necessary place for all gourmet and international desires.

GINA. THIS IS A FAMILY WEBSITE. YOU KEEP YOUR MAIL ORDER RUSSIAN BRIDES TO YOURSELF.

I am sickened. And the only thing that could make this better is by hearing from our very own Marcus Davis:

The best store ever.

Mmhmmm. Direct and to the point, like an 80-yard touchdown pass from Ju-Ju Clayton.

14. Sigh. I miss the days we had the backups in during the third quarter against conference opponents. What if I should decide to attend an institution of higher learning in Chapel Hill? Any advice?

A. If you do, despite our earlier analysis, UNC appears to be the only legit option in Chapel Hill. Here's what Google reviews say. From Marianne Howell Wright:

...the campus of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill is charming and and a mixture of old and historical with new and high tech. I often show the campus to out of town clients and love to see the surprise on their faces when they realize UNC is gorgeous.

Is there anyone who actually thinks their campus is ugly? Besides Maryland grads? Or is surprised when a college campus they've never been to has nice architecture and is well maintained? Besides people visiting College Park? Moving on to Rob Spencer:

Dishonest and filled with thieves. Go to a school or hospital were people have morals.

Well, apparently they stole Marianne's heart⁴ Finally, from Richard Lester:

Great university but it does not offer what Michigan has: top ten academics AND athletics

Hey Dick...IT WAS A CATCH.

15. On that note, how are we doing on FAINTs?

A. I will say one thing, Michael Brewer is fully committed to his eventual mathematical immortality. He was willing to throw two more interceptions even against Western Michigan, edging ever closer to that point when we drop off the end of the number line and wrap around to the negative integers. And with Brandon Facyson out, it appears that quarterbacks just aren't dumb enough to throw at Kendall Fuller very much. The FAINT count is...hell, I don't even know anymore.

The only thing I know is I'd be very interested to hear Logan Thomas's personal thoughts on this. Not the "Brewer's a great quarterback, great guy, been unlucky, going through some early struggles, yadda yadda" thoughts he'd give in an interview. The "I pity his Twitter mentions on Saturdays" thoughts he would probably be thinking if he wasn't busy counting all the money he is deservedly making now.

Currently not a tight end in the NFL

16. What should I be watching for this weekend?

A. Well, you'll be in the heart of North Carolina, so you should probably be on the lookout for some barbecue if you know what's good for your tastebuds⁵. Also:

• UNC's defense is terrible. Let's see if Frank can have the halftime RUN THE DAMN BALL conversation BEFORE the game this week.
• If Greg Stroman is ready to break one this week so we can all yell and tweet BeamerBall only partially ironically.
• Me, because I'm seriously considering driving down there just to avoid having to watch the game on the ACC Network.
• If Detrick Bonner can continue to rehabilitate his reputation, because dude has been playing lights out this year.

Alright, that should get us into the bye week. We'll be coming back next for THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!

¹Whoever gets this first earns a smoked turkey leg's weight in respect from me
²Something which UNC fans are still bitter over which makes it even better
³You may know his as Ol' Dirty Bastard, as there ain't no father to his style
⁴DO YOU GET IT?
⁵#TeamVinegarSauce