"Foe"Rensics: Pitt of Despair

Hello. Welcome back to "Foe"Rensics. This week we're talking about Pitt, and while we covered the University of Pittsburgh last year, this is additional, critically important made up stuff.

1. Ok. Did we play a football game last week?

A. No. We DID play one the week before that I haven't gotten a chance to tell you about. If you'll recall, we played North Carolina, who it turns out is not very good at football this year. Kendall Fuller did Fuller things, our freshman wide receiver did NFL things, Ekanem went EKANNIBAL on UNC's quarterbacks and Shane Beamer got the opportunity to go super deep into his running back rotation.

2. Awesome, so it was a blowout?

A. Well...not really. Turns out there's a reason we have 23 running backs on the roster, because they keep getting hurt. Add a sprained ankle for Juice and a broken clavicle for Trey on top of Shai's ACL and we're down to a J.C. Coleman and Joel Caleb rotation unless Juice heels fast.

3. Oh, hell.

A. Yes. And while I desperately want to ensure that the curse of Walt Harris doesn't return¹, I'd rather make sure Juice is healthy for the rest of our slate, which entirely involves teams that have beaten us in the last two years and Wake Forest.

4. What about LOLUVA?

A. Wait, I thought that was a scrimmage? Anyway, keeping an eye on the mediocre morass of the Coastal Division:

Will #UNC step up Sat and keep the dream alive of all ACC Coastal teams going 4 and 4? @HollyAnderson pic.twitter.com/cWRspyrJ0v— CFB Leaderboard (@cfblb) October 13, 2014

Anyone else find it deeply amusing that UNC...excuse me, PRESEASON RANKED UNC is the projected leader for fewest wins?

5. The one game they looked not terrible in they gave up 50 to Notre Dame. Anyway, who are we playing this week?

A. Yes. But in a remarkable departure from the norm this season, we are NOT playing on Saturday, NOR are we kicking off before 1:00. We are visiting the ketchupy confines of Heinz Field. And while some would think, based on the history of Pittsburgh and the infamous Wannstache that we could evaluate them based on the relative merits of various moustaches. But nothing could ever compare to this:

Glorious

6. That is intimidating as hell².

A. Since the Panthers are hopelessly outmatched in a moustache competition, it seems only fair to play to their strengths. How does Pitt measure up against ACTUAL PITS?

7. Oh Lord. Here we go again.

A. Pitfall!

No, this is not the greatest Atari game ever, that title belongs to River Raid³. But any game where you have to jump on top of alligator heads in order to get ahead beats a city proud of producing I.C. Light.

That guy has better mobility than Tom Savage does, that's for sure

Winner: Pitfall!

8. I'm guessing Tommy still has waking nightmares of Dadi.

A. Great Pit of Carkoon

The home of the Sarlacc, that horrific monster that tried to eat Lando Calrissian. Still, this particular Pit earns props for eating Boba Fett, and therefore is better than the place that has unleashed untold thousands of Steelers fans upon the world.

Probably smells better than Pittsburgh, too

Winner: Great Pit of Carkoon

9. The CGI tentacles are still better than the scoreboard ketchup at Heinz Field.

A. Armpit of America

There is actually some debate over what is the true armpit of America, with people putting forth various answers based on their own geographic bias. Due to our own geographic bias here in Virginia and if you imagine New England as the raised arm of the U.S., then it's clearly New Jersey. If there is any further contention, I submit this as my closing argument:

I would love to be there when he explains it to his kids

That being said, New Jersey has still been responsible for producing current Hokies Ryan Malleck and Billy Ray Mitchell, as well as former Hokie great Jason Worilds, among others⁴.

Winner: Armpit of America

10. STILL probably smells better than Pittsburgh.

A. Pitbull

I am bad and I should feel bad

Okay, there IS something that Pittsburgh is preferable to. And I.C. Light.

Winner: Pittsburgh

11. On that note, are you done?

A. Gravel Pit

Let's end on a high note.

Wu Tang is for the children. Pittsburgh is not.

Winner: Wu Tang Clan

12. Well, I think that settles it. How many Fullers do they have?

A. None, although their entire wide receiving corps constantly lives with the spectre of Kyshoen Jarrett's shoulder separating them from this plane of existence. Does that count as partial DBU?

13. Any other roster notes?

A. Pitt has got a pretty strong showing in the name department. Adonis Jennings, named for the Greek god of beauty, which is a fairly heavy burden to lay on your kid's shoulders. In addition, they are trying to sneak in some brothers with different last names, like Bam Bradley and Nicholas Grigsby, who sound less like brothers and more like a guys from a Hardy Boys and Jane Austin book, respectively. Then there are cousins Lafayette and Jevonte Pitts, who named themselves after the University in a successful bid to boost their recruiting.

Finally, Jester Weah. That is his GIVEN name, which is awesome that his parents waited nine years after Top Gun came out to name their son after a secondary, possibly tertiary character. He's lucky, though; his brothers are Guy Who Keeps Spilling His Coffee On Himself Weah and Pissed Off Bald Guy Weah.

Hey, they could've gone Days of Thunder and "Guy Who Yells Monkey F$*king a Football Weah"

14. What if I'm going up to Pittsburgh and I don't want to go to the game? What should I do?

A. Well, first, jump off one of the many bridges that Pittsburgh has to offer for someone who would go all the way up there and not watch the Hokies. After that, swim over to the National Aviary! That's right, our nation's PREMIER bird zoo is right there in Pittsburgh! And for our first review, I could not have made up a better name than Porky Coot:

Well its a small place and takes less than 30-40 mins to see the whole place. It has a smell that can be overbearing and bird poop every where..

Sadly, I was unable to read this right after the reviewer's name and come up with any sort of commentary that would meet our publishing standards. So, we move on.

15. And what if I wanted to pursue a college degree in Pittsburgh?

A. If that's the case, go to Carnegie Mellon. If you can't get in there, look into Duquesne. If you absolutely have no other choices than to worship in the Cathedral of Learning, let's hear what Jloni Garland has to say:

You need to step up your game alright get better and tell that number too young
I hope I hope you have a good game season fromJloni

Uh...Jerry Lee, anything to add?

Great place for a nap!

Awesome! Last thoughts, Chuck Knoles?

Rainfall report from previous user was inaccurate.
Pittsburgh falls well below many major cities in average annual precipitation*.
Just to name a few...

Honolulu, Hawaii- 86.8 inches
Miami, Fl- 61.9 inches
Houston, Tx- 52.7 inches
Portland, Ore- 39.1 inches
Pittsburgh, PA- 38.2 inches

Well that settles it, I was TOTALLY going to go to college in Honolulu OR Miami for the weather, but you convinced me, Chuck! Clearly southwestern Pennsylvania has a distinct weather advantage over southern Florida and Hawaii!

16. Particularly during night games in November. Now, what's the FAINT count at?

A. KENDALL FULLER DID FULLER THINGS! Not only did he come up with his first pick up the season, he housed it, scoring his first touchdown of his Hokie career. This ties him with Kyle, ensures every brother has scored at least one touchdown and brings the total Fuller touchdowns scored at Tech to 10.

This will never ever get old

That being said, Brewdog still completed one more pass than he should have last weekend to a guy in the wrong jersey. It must be slowing down because we're approaching the edges of the universe and getting ready to wrap around to the other side.

17. What should I be watching for this weekend?

A.Again, any signs that Walt Harris is in the vicinity of the stadium should be handled with extreme prejudice. Also:

• Pitt has the 38th ranked rushing defense, though apparently you don't need to gain a lot of rushing yards to beat them (cough, Iowa, AKRON). Let's see if Loeffler is going to try to pound the rock.
• KYSHOEN JARRETT GO BOOM
• I am loving watching our defensive line, highlighted by Ken Ekanem and Deon Clarke going freaking nuts every week. Let's continue both our season trend and Pitt trend of destroying the opposing quarterbacks' will to live.
• THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!

Next week, THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IN THE TERROR DOME!!!!

¹I will not let my Walt Harris voodoo doll out of my sight before Thursday
²And sexy as hell, if I may be so bold
³Y'all screaming Frogger can just go play in traffic
⁴Everyone name your favorite Hokie from Jersey!