Virginia Tech Football "Bowl"Rensics: Cincinnati

Hello. Welcome to part two of this year's "Bowl"Rensics. You learned all about the Annapolis and the Military Bowl last week; this week we're going to have a candid discussion about our opponent. If you're not prepared to read some unvarnished truths that no one else on the internet is willing to tell, you should probably stop reading¹.

1. Any last words on Annapolis or the Military Bowl before we move on?

A. Yes. We're never too proud to admit when we've made a mistake. My research was somewhat shoddy last week, and astute reader mcarson75 caught it. Anna Karenina did not, in fact, escape to Virginia, she was taken much further down the coast and the serf fishermen and her stayed in their refuge for some time, eventually establishing a new settlement. They named it "Save Anna" after their own daring do, which eventually morphed into Savannah, Georgia. That makes MUCH more sense than what i thought before; why would they name a city after the lady from the Today Show?

2. Riiiiiiiight. On to this week. Who are we playing?

A. The Bearcats of Cincinnati!

3. Ah. Them. Great. What the hell is a Bearcat, anyway?

A. That's a great question. It all goes back to the history of the city. Though many of you know that Thomas Jefferson died penniless and in debt, you may not know the little known story of his son, Monticello "Monty" Jefferson. Destitute and unable to even clothe himself, Monty fled to Ohio to escape the creditors hounding his family. He set up camp on the Licking River, and convinced the other settlers nearby that he had actually founded a nudist colony to avoid admitting he couldn't afford clothes. In the mistaken belief that Romans were nudists and that togas were just bathrobes they put on when the Visigoths came over, he named the growing town after the famed Roman statesman Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus². Monty, being a Jefferson devoid of a sense of humor and not so bright, named the town Luciuspolis.

4. The hell does that have to do with a Bearcat?

A. I'M GETTING THERE. Later, painfully aware of his father's legacy of founding a school, Monty decided to found one of his own, the University of Luciuspolis. Decades later, aware of the jokes people made about a bunch of naked people living in a place called Luciuspolis, they changed the name of the town and school to Cincinnati. In honor of Monty's nudist beliefs, the original mascot for their football team was the Barecats:

I'm just going to warn you, make sure SafeSearch is on if you Google "Hairless Cat"

Later, when other schools refused to play their football team until they put clothes on, the school had to turn its back on its nudist practices and changed the name to Bearcats to sound more intimidating. It turns out that there actually IS a real Bearcat, commonly called a Binturong. To further complicate things, its Latin name actually means Bear-weasel, which...this is confusing as hell.

Its villainous mustache game is STRONG

5. Do they play football?

A. Yes.

6. Ever against us?

A. Sigh. Yes. The Hokies' AND Bearcats' bowl history dates back to 1946, when Cincy beat Tech in the Sun Bowl and celebrated by tearing up Juarez. Since then, we've met in one other bowl, the 2009 Orange Bowl where the Hokies tasted sweet revenge. Overall, the programs are 5-5 against each other, which means this game will be the ultimate decider for who is THE BEST EVER FOOTBALL PROGRAM BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.

7. Are they any good?

A. They are technically co-champions of the AAC this year, so...sort of? And if any of you were wondering if leaving the Big East was a good idea, the three teams that tied for first place in the conference this year went to the Miami Beach Bowl, the Bitcoin Bowl and the Military Bowl to take on an alright BYU team, a 7-5 NC State team and a 6-6 Virginia Tech squad.

8. Yeesh. Do they have any good rivalries?

A. Cincinnati has a number of rivalries, mostly with other city colleges. We'll start with the River City Rivalry, which was briefly known as the Paddlewheel Trophy until several fraternities attempted to sponsor the trophy. This isn't a real rivalry; when Cincy joined the Big East, they tried to manufacture a rivalry between them and Pittsburgh, not unlike the Jim Weaver manufactured rivalry between our Hokies and East Carolina. Except...remember in 3rd grade, when the cool kids played basketball at recess but didn't include you, so you were stuck playing four square with the (other) nerds until Andy Goss got a bloody nose and they let you play because they needed another person to make up the numbers? Uh...me neither. But in my completely hypothetical example, you represent Pitt, who now gets to play with the cool kids (ACC) and the nerds represent Cincy, who got left behind (AAC) and need to convince the Magic: The Gathering kid to stop picking his nose and come play four square.

9. I feel like so much about you makes sense now.

A. Shut up. Anyway, their BETTER rivalries are with Louisville, which isn't that much of a rivalry either but at least they've played more than a dozen times and it has got an AWESOME name, Keg of Nails, about which I found this nugget on Wikipedia:

As of 2009, there are no nails in the Keg of Nails, nor does anyone know if there ever were any in the first place.

Solid. Finally, their oldest rivalry is with Miami University. They play for a Victory Bell, which stems from students from one school stealing a bell from the other back before your grandparents were born and is now looked back on fondly as hijinks instead of larceny. The rivalry is historically pretty even, though Cincinnati is one win away from its own Decade of Dominance. You have to really look at yourself in the mirror, however, if your historic rivalry is with a MAC team who LEADS the series 59-53-7, DESPITE the fact that you've won nine-straight games.

10. How about a coach?

A. Well, unfortunately, they did not get the memo that the Paddlewheel Trophy was decommissioned and since the last time they played Pitt was Halloween, they thought they had to show up with a theme, so they hired Tommy "Riverboat Gambler" Tuberville as their head coach.

Shame, really. Had an awesome costume, got Jodie Foster to dress up, too

11. Any good alumni?

A. They have quite a varied list of alumni. From politics, including President of the United States of America William Howard Taft³, Eula Bingham, former director of OSHA and, according to Wikipedia, international woman of mystery. In popular culture, George Clooney attended for a time, as well Robert Burck, the Times Square Naked Cowboy. However, I don't think anyone can top Kenesaw Mountain Landis, the first Commissioner of Baseball and a dude who was named after a misspelled Civil War Battle.

Proof that gaunt, middle aged men can only improve with age

12. Ew. Any Fullers?

A. No, but they will attempt to combat the Fuller Effect with several pairs of brothers of their own, highlighted by Kevin and Silverberry Mouhon, which...that's just an awesome name. Silverberry? That's awesome. I mean, middle school would've sucked for him if he hadn't been a badass football player, but, damn. It takes sack to name your kid Silverberry.

13. No kidding. What about the rest of their roster?

A. Well, you've probably already heard about their QB combo of Munchie-Gunner, who sound like part of Nelson got stoned, a perfect excuse for this:

These guys were so lame compared to Extreme

Rounding out the roster, they've also got EJ Junior IV, though they were unable to lure his brother, EJ the Third VI to Nippert Stadium. They'll trot out Leviticus Payne⁴, which I think might be a religious name, and Jake Golic, son of Mike, the meathead from ESPN Radio. In disappointing news, they managed to steal Mike Tyson from Hampton, VA out from under us. Can you imagine if we could field Mike Tyson and DuWayne "The Rock" Johnson in the same secondary? We'd have to play all of our games in a ring.

14. What about food in Cincinnati?

A. If you ever find yourself wandering through lower Ohio, I'm sorry. But if you get hungry, apparently you should eat at Bakersfield which is apparently a Mexican restaurant? Let's hear from Kevin Wallace:

Best Mexican restaurant in the city, though not authentic. Amazing bar to enjoy a drink.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? A Mexican restaurant named Bakersfield is NOT authentic? What say you, Pepper Pace?

The tacos here are authentic, fresh and very tasty.

Oh. Well, that settles it, then.

15. Any barbecue?

A. A quick aside; I was at my parents in North Carolina over the weekend, and some of their neighbors smoke a ton of pork shoulders they sell for charity every year. Naturally, we were in. When we went down there, they had five industrial level smokers going, including one that had 24 butts at one time. But as soon as I got over my smoker envy, I realized they hadn't rubbed any of the shoulders NOR did they cook them to pulling temperature, only slicing. Just in case you ever think being born in the right state grants you barbecue expertise, remember this story. I've even seen South Carolinians who've overcome their mustard tainted youth.

Back to Cincinnati, the consensus seems to be Eli's BBQ. I give you Lauren Summerville's review, which is a fine example of how poetic normal people can get when they're talking about good barbecue:

Died and went to heaven.

The ribs were fantastic. I dream about them still. The Mac and Cheese was everything I have ever imagined creamy, cheesy goodness could be. The coleslaw was inspirational.

Thank you, Lauren.

15. That was beautiful. How are we doing in the FAINT department?

A. Kyshoen Jarrett continued his impressive senior season, contributing a JAINT, while Michael Brewer tossed a pick late in the first half to ensure the victory. I also want to point out that Brewer had his shoulder ravaged in the second half and had it reattached using duct tape and Krazy Glue on the sidelines in order to continue and save the season.

16. Can you recap the RAGE MATCH from the UVA game?

A. Ken Ekanem and Dadi Nicolas are like the bookends you want if you want all of your books to be flattened and have concussions.

They devastated the UVA offensive line, combining for 3 sacks, another tackle for a loss, seven quarterback hurries and a dazed Hoo quarterback. I can't remember having this much fun watching our d-line since Corey Moore and John Engelberger. If Dadi comes back next year, they may end up killing someone. If he doesn't, that dude needs to get paid, because he's earned it.

17. Salut. What should we be watching for this weekend?

A. Aside from seeing if some Cincinnati natives take a break from chili concoctions and try to invent a disgusting version of crab cakes:

• If we have any running backs left. J.C. was limping last game, does anyone have proof of life for Trey Edmunds?
• Kevin Sumlin's plane;
• If Brewer can come through the game with all of his fingers, toes and limbs intact;
• Though Kyle and Corey are confirmed absentees, hopefully we get some Vincent Sr, Nina and Vincent Jr;
• If Dadi and Ekanem are going to crush Gunner's soul or only his will to live.

Alright, that's it! Enjoy the Military Bowl, the rest of Bowl Season, have a Happy Chanukah, a Merry Christmas, a Happy Kwanzaa and a Happy Festivus for the rest of us!

¹Please don't
²Well, indirectly. The city is TECHNICALLY named after the Society of the Cincinnati, which is in turn named after Cincinnatus
³EAT IT, UNC. GET YOUR POLK ISHT OUTTA HERE. TAFT WAS A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE, TOO. SUCKAS.
⁴I hope he has a brother named Deuteronomy