CRIBS: The Hokies Football Locker Room

Back in November** the Hokies moved into their brand new crib, an $18 million locker room facility that's just shy of 42,000 square feet big.

BALLIN'!

I was lucky enough to score a tour hosted by seniors Chris Drager, Eddie Whitley, Jaymes Brooks and Greg Nosal.**

/in unison

WELCOME TO OUR CRIB!

When you step into our house, you gotta clock in.

We're all about doing things right, and that means on time.

That clock there never even goes past four, because we always got to get to work before then. Ain't no point.

And there's our lunchpail. Not many people know, but the only way you get it is if you can wrestle away that chain from Coach Foster.

Plasmas. Everywhere.

After a big win we set 'em up so ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN-U and ESPNNews are all playing our highlights.

That's not any old carpet you're walking on either. It's over 100 individually made silk rugs from Persia woven together. There's nothing softer.

HELLLLLLLLOOOOOH-OH-OH-OH-OH. You hear that echo? That's our lockers, they're HUGEEEE-UGE-UGE-UGE-UGE-UGE!

42 inches, the biggest in the nation.

They've got intercoms too. Just speak right in there, "Can you bring me a sandwich?" and voilà.

/a graduate assistant enters the room and hands Drager a pulled pork sandwich on a Kaiser roll topped with fresh creamy cole slaw

If you got a crib, and you don't have a hot tub, then you all you got is a house.

We got two of them.

/flashes two fingers

The steam just cleans away the troubles of the day.

And this right here is our shower.

720 jets man, SEVEN-HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY JETS, all up everywhere where you want them.

Cleanin' your armpits, neck, toes, back, face, calves, EVERYTHING, all at once.

Tell 'em 'bout the soap... Tell 'em 'bout the soap... /gleefully points at a shower head

Oh snap... They stream out foamed soap. It's like the Jetsons in here.

This is where we get taped up and worked on.

We come for therapy whenever we want.

Why are the plasmas behind us? Nothing better than flipping over on your stomach, pillow under the chin, watching a little Fresh Prince and getting your glutes and thighs worked on.

We have pool, Ms. Pac-Man, air hockey, darts, ping-pong and foosball in the bonus room.

Jukebox over there in the corner and "VT" on the ceiling. Fresh.

/pops "VT" hand signal
//nods head representativity

After practice we head outside, sit back, chillax, and grill out as the sun goes down.

Porterhouses as big as your head.

And nobody else got a manicured lawn like that at their crib. Look at that 100-yards of grass.

Sit down Luda.

/in unison

Annnnnnnnd now that you've seen our crib, you have to get out!

* It took a while to get the tour organized.
** Fictitious Tour