"Foe"Rensics: Tennessee and the History of "Ten, see?"

Hello. Welcome to a special edition of "Foe"Rensics, where we're going to delve into both the hidden history of Tennessee AND the "The Last Great Colosseum". If you haven't heard, this week's game has a fairly high profile in the national media. Turns out that there is an annual moonshiner's convention in Bristol, TN that weekend, and Tennessee and Virginia Tech were asked to serve as the Saturday night entertainment¹.

The giant tower is being left there on purpose to increase the degree of difficulty of the game. Both teams hope this will help with the judge's scoring in the medal round.

1. That tower is almost as tall as Bucky Hodges. What happened last week?

A. Hokies won! Meaning Justin Fuente has the best winning percentage of any head coach at Virginia Tech, EVAR. Rumor has it they are looking into putting up a glass case in Merryman to house the eventual statue they will build of him once he retires.

As for the game, the Hokie offense looked...strangely familiar. WR screens for days? Check. Relatively impotent running game populated by way too many people running the ball? Check. Isaiah Ford repeatedly bailing out the offense with feats of magic not normally seen without a genie? Check. The depth chart, size, speed and a Bud Foster defense eventually wearing down the opponent? Thankfully.

The defense looked good. Mook Reynolds looked like the second coming of Kyle Fuller, which makes me giddy. Those Edmunds brothers, Terrell and Tremaine, looked like the real deal, and I think maybe Vinny Mihota played. I dunno, ask French, maybe he saw.

Lastly, I wanted to remind everyone that as the sole TKPer who picked Tech to go undefeated, I am currently the rightest one out of all of them. Think about that.

2. So modest. So wait, tell me again who is on the schedule this week?

A. The University of Tennessee at Knoxville Volunteers!

So many questions. Why are his hands a different color than his face? Did the star fly in on those movement lines (was this supposed to be an animated gif?) Is there shark swimming above the trigger on his musket? Why does the tail of his hat look like morphing screaming faces? Is he wearing a giant earring made from an antler?

3. Okay, give me the scoop.

A. Well, Tennessee has a unique backstory among institutions of higher learning. Many of you have probably heard of the Oak Ridge Laboratory, which is famous for producing country music sensations the Oak Ridge Boys². Most people think the Oak Ridge Laboratory has only been around since World War II, but it's history goes far deeper than that. Turns out that the lab was started by some alumni "scientists" from LOLUVA, who had no idea how they were supposed to science now that they graduated, since their time in Charlottesville had been completely consumed by cocktail parties, wine tastings and attending lectures at Scott Stadium. So they decided to open up a research center in the middle of nowhere and con the local populace into "volunteering" for experiments so they could bilk the government out of grants, write papers and go to scientist conventions in Vegas.

Well, since they had no idea what they were doing, many of these experiments were pretty pointless, like making people try to rub their stomachs and pat their heads at the same time. But some of them turned rather sinister, like when they made their subjects eat the weird glowy stuff they'd dug out of the ground nearby to see what would happen. As it happens, uranium is not a great meal replacement bar.

Well, those subjects started getting real sick, and it wasn't long before someone called the police in. All the idiot scientists got arrested, and someone had to figure out what to do with all the survivors of their affronts to science. Not bothering to figure out who had radioactive diarrhea and who didn't, they set up a quarantine zone in nearby Knoxville and threw EVERYONE who'd been experimented on in there.

Inside the fence, the head-patting tummy-rubbers didn't want to catch whatever was wrong with the folks who ate the uranium candy, so they made the ones whose skin wasn't already glowing wear bright, neon orange. As a fail safe, every time someone ran into someone they didn't know that wasn't wearing hunting safety orange (turns out those LOLUVA doofuses had run amok for years and there were thousands of people penned up in this place) they'd have to take off their shoes to prove that they hadn't grown extra mutant toes. This would be accompanied by a verbal confirmation of "Ten, see?" which eventually morphed into the current name, "Tennessee".

4. Um...what?

A. Not done yet. Years later, the townspeople forgot why all these people had been locked up to begin with, and let them out. But it turns out that being locked in isolation with people that were growing extra eyeballs can affect a person in odd ways, and they all needed to be socially reacclimated to the world. So a bunch of teachers were brought in to teach them how to read and write again, and how to interact with neighbors without flinging feces at them. This was actually the most advanced level of educating in the entire state, and so when the U.S. government started handing out land grants, Knoxville proudly requested (and was awarded) said grant for their "Volunteers" school.

5. Wow. That almost made sense.

A. Thanks! Due to the piles of uranium still sitting around in and around Knoxville, Whit Babcock declined play at their stadium. Due to lingering pain from the 2009 Peach Bowl, Tennessee refused to play in the Terror Dome. Thus a compromise was reached, to play in the infield of Bristol Motor Speedway³.

6. Why Bristol?

A. Bristol was actually founded before Tennessee and Virginia were separate states. The town was named for Bristol, England, which has the good fortune to sit just across the Severn Estuary from Newport, in Wales. Newport lies in Monmouthshire, which has been a point of dispute between England and Wales for centuries; it sits to the west of the River Wye, making it clearly part of Wales, but England has been trying to get it's awesomeness upgraded by claiming it and getting an instant influx of Welshmen and beautiful Welsh women.

Well, the dispute carried over to America, with some Bristolians here trying to claim that they were named after Bristol, WALES, a clear stretch and intentional geographical misinterpretation. The dispute eventually escalated to a full on exchange of gunfire, and thus the higher authorities had to step in. While the dispute was never fully resolved, hostilities have ceased due to the partitioning of the city in two; they had to make up a new state, Tennessee, and stick half the city in it and built a yuuuuge, beautiful wall between the two. Finally, the two sides calmed down enough that they can be civil to each other, and the wall was brought down and replaced by a giant corny sign.

That's a bold statement. I'm curious to see what factors they evaluated (quality of life, education levels, ratio of Hokies to Hoos) and how they define "good" (sophomore Logan Thomas good or junior Logan Thomas good).

Part of the appeal of the game taking place at the moonshiners convention was that the Hokies and Volunteers can serve as stand ins to finally resolve the long standing dispute over where the other Bristol officially is, Wales or England. Problem is, nobody can remember who was on what side, so they're going to do it by coin flip after the game is over.

7. Is Tennessee any good at football?

A. They're okay. They were pretty good for a while back in the day, winning a few national titles, although things get murky heading backwards in time, particularly once you get past the 70s, when roughly two dozen teams lay claim to the national championship in any given year. They've had some pretty good coaches, like Robert Neyland, who won a few of those alleged national championships, and Phil Fulmer, who won one undisputed one, and was subsequently forced out of Knoxville after having the temerity to only win 5 games twice in the span of four years, having otherwise only finished lower than second in the SEC East once in his entire 14 year career.

Fulmer was replaced by perhaps the most beloved coach in Tennessee football history, Lane Kiffin. Named after greatest stadium in the world, Kiffin had a winning record every single year he coached in Knoxville, a truly impressive feat that has many boosters considering renaming the field inside Neyland Stadium in his honor. There is already an airport in Los Angeles planning the same thing.

Tennessee is supposed to be GREAT this year, just like every SEC team is every year. They proved it by overcoming national championship contender Appalachian State in overtime last week. Thank the football gods that Tennessee will deign to share the same field with a lowly non-SEC team like Virginia Tech; truly #blessed.

8. Is Lane Kiffin still there?

A. No, sadly, he is not. After tasting defeat at the hands of the Hokies, he went into a self imposed exile in California before returning east to serve as the toadie and footstool of the current incarnation of Mephistopheles, Nick Saban. Their current coach is Butch Jones, who voluntarily took the nickname Butch, which I feel like should tell you all you need to know about him. Jones previously played the Hokies during his stint as coach of Cincinnati, but since it took place in the cauldron of cursed evil known as FedExField, the result is invalid and we shall speak of it no more. Vengeance shall be Fuente's.

9. Do they have any Fullers?

A. No. They do have the dreaded quadfecta of players named Vincent, Corey, Kyle, and Kendal, but since they spelled Kendal wrong, all of the magical powers are forsaken. They also have brothers Elliot and Evan Berry, who are ALSO brothers of former Vol Eric Berry, a pitiful attempt at matching the prowess of the Fullers. Three brothers? Blacksburg does that in its sleep. C'mon, now.

10. What about the rest of the roster?

A. Well, they've got four parts of a fabulous tenor group, Dimarya Mixon, Tre Daniel, Quart'e Sapp, Quinten Dormady, who are hoping that sensational recruit Monocle Parker joins them in Knoxville to round out their sound.

They've got Riley Lovingood, who is taking time out from his soft porn career to handle long snapping duties, a guy named Shy Tuttle, which is close enough to turtle that his parents should have thought more before naming him Shy, and the soup of the day, DaJour Maddox.

DaJour is a linebacker and Sam Rogers is going to eat him for lunch.

11. Any other Volunteers of note we should be aware of?

A. You may know Dixie Carter, the lead from Designing Women, which you watched if you lived with your mom in the late 80s and she was from anywhere south of the Mason Dixon Line. They also boast author Cormac McCarthy, whose novels Tennessee's team will resemble once we're done with them. Lastly, my personal favorite is knot theorist⁴ Morwen Thistlethwaite, who is actually named that and actually exists in real life with that actual job. And these are the actual pictures on the front of Morwen's website:

Morwen's lady is actually 4' tall before she puts on those heels. And he himself looks like he lives in a period drama; shockingly, he's English.

12. Any cool football related traditions?

A. There's the Volunteer Navy, which is a whole buncha folks who steam up the Tennessee River and attempt to launch a broadside at the opposing team bus. Because the local gunsmiths know the drunk sailors who do this, they always fail due to the fact the gunpowder they buy for their cannons is actually coffee grounds.

They also have a rescue bluetick coonhound that lives in the stadium. Ol Red originally ran with a bad crowd in downtown Knoxville, chasing cars, biting postal workers, and general skullduggery. But then he converted to Islam, changed his name to Smokey X and now he spends his week as a math professor at UT and his weekends cheering on the football team.

13. Do they have rivalries?

A. Yes! They claim a rivalry with essentially the entire SEC East, but the Vandy one is just because they're in the same state, the Florida rivalry sort of went away when both teams got crappy, and the Georgia and Kentucky ones are just lame. The only real one is with Alabama, notable for always being played on the Third Saturday in October because most of the Tennessee and Bama students couldn't count any further than that. The rivalry has trailed off in recent years, both due to the Vols overall decline and the deal Nick Saban made with the devil to make Bama virtually unstoppable.

14. How is Knoxville these days?

A. Better since they took down the quarantine zone fences. However, I would like to stress that the game is in Bristol, and don't worry about eating, we're going to be drinking all our calories. BUT, if you happen to be in Knoxville, you should try the Stock and Barrel, according to Lee on Google:

The burgers are excellent, you can really taste the high quality that is locally sourced.

Ok, Lee, people in real life don't actually talk like that. Nobody cares if things are locally sourced. Actually, if I'm eating at a Vietnamese restaurant, I sure as hell hope nobody is making fish sauce near me, because I've seen how they make it and I want them doing that in another country, just ship me the bottle when you're done. And farm to table? How the hell else does food get to the table? They grow chickens in office buildings now? And do you really want to be eating uranium enriched burgers?

Bonnie Panettieri has some great advice as well:

The burgers were great! Bring your VALID ID if you wish to have an adult beverage. 70 year old wont even be servered without one.

If Frank is in town after one of their bourbon milkshakes, let's hope he brings his Hokie Passport.

15. Do they barbecue in Knoxville?

A. My Googling has yielded Sweet P's Barbecue, which earns high marks from Nathaniel Bowers:

From what I understand they use fresh local ingredients and it shows in their food. Their barbecue is the best in knoxville and IMO the real treasure here is their wings. They are closed on mondays though, kinda odd but it is what it is.

Oh my god, people in Knoxville actually talk like that. And I guarantee you David Wilson eats Sweet P's on Mondays if he wants to. On to Craig Volition:

This place is like cheating on you grandmother

WHAT?!

's dinner.

Oh. Phwew.

well worth the the repercussions too. They also offer a rewards program and have enjoyed three free meals for being such a welcomed customer through the rewards app.

Huh? A barbecue joint that has a REWARDS program? THE BARBECUE IS THE REWARD.

You must have the mac and cheese!!! I have eaten everything on their menu and EVERYTHING is nefariously delicious.

Nefariously delicious?

Preach, Inigo.

16. How are the FAINTs looking?

A. Great! Turns out STRAINTs and TER. EAINTs are a thing Tech excels at. And despite it seeming that the offense was playing with a greased football at times, Evans didn't throw a single pick! So the Hokies are at -3 already, on pace to finish the season at -45.

17. What should we watch for on this Saturday?

A. I'm watching for::

• I'm hoping this is full on state fair level and we get some fried coke and everything
• If they let Frank drive the pace car around the track before kickoff
• Tech completed THREE passes to receivers not named Isaiah, Cam or Bucky!
• $20 bucks says Frank takes the pace car out for a few laps when he gets bored in the third quarter.

See you in Bristol! Bring your binoculars!

¹This is mostly because Jeb, who runs the junkyard over in Blountville, can't supply the cars for the demolition derby because, ironically, he got hauled in on moonshining charges and they impounded his entire lot to cover the fine. So, no demolition derby, but football's good enough.
²This is actually true.
³With the moonshiners.
⁴A knot theorist is an actual thing. That someone named Morwen is being paid to be. We're all doing it wrong.