The Key Players Week 5 Fantasy Recap

By: historyhokie

on October 8, 2013, 2:39 PM | 4 comments

Week 5 is over. Remember, I make no effort to hide my Redskins fan biases.

Again, here's what I think if you disagree with my biases:

Gifs came from Deadspin, Buzzfeed and Bleacher Report.

Week 1's Recap can be found here. Week 2's is here. Week 3's is here. Week 4's is here.

OrangeBarrelReroute 140.61, #OperationImpatience 109.68
The headline for our league from thi sweek: "OrangeBarrellReroute Explodes". They scored 104.61, which is amazing considering Scobeard started Alfred Morris on his bye week and Gronk when he hasnt returned from injury yet. 45 points from Peyton and his Manthing, 21.5 out of Justin friggin Blackmon, 13.5 out of Decker, 12.5 out of the Law Firm, 18 out of Matt Prater, hell even 22 out of SF D will do that for you. Actually, when you think of it, it didnt even matter that Scobeard started 2 guys who didnt play, because his backup RB is Shonn Greene (injured, and sucks anyways) and his backup TE is Jermaine Gresham (2.5 points, and sucks anyways). Pierson got screwed by bad weeks by Tom Brady (11.5), Steve Smith (6), MJD (8.5) and Rashad Jennings (4), but hey, Charles Clay got them 12 and Terrence Williams got them 25 (its tough when Megatron doesnt play, I know).

Hernandezs Legal D 120.09, Centaurrian Gray 91.73
Antonio Romo (48) and Knowshon Moreno (21) did me in, as those two scored 75% of what my team scored. The scary thing is that Hernandezs Legal D didnt really have a great week otherwise, and if Brandon Marshall (9), Larry Fitz (4.5), Arian Foster (12) and Darren Sproles (4) had better weeks, I would have gotten crushed by even more. Matt Stafford (20.5) and Ray Rice (20) led the way for my boys. I left Rivers (30.5), TY Hilton (28) and Josh Gordon (14.5) on the bench. Damn.

Treadmill Horses 104.40, Money Badger 86.91
Another week and another balanced trot by the Treadmill Horses, with 25 out of Dez, 18.5 out of Charles and 11.5 out of Cobb. Vicks injury limited him to 13.5 points, but Joe Flaccos derp limited him to 16 for VTJawo, so no big deal. Money Badger got 15 from Nicks, 18 from Jacquizz, 13.5 from Graham, but were done in by 4 from Edelman, 5 from Bernard, 5.5 from Amendola and 0 from Houstons D
ANUSTART 101.47, Imagine Wagons 74.16
5-0 Isabelle keeps rolling along, with 26.5 from Brees and 10+ from Welker, Vernon Davis, Mendenhall and Justin Tucker. Steven had a rough week, with 20.5 from Rodgers and 10+ from just Forte, Janikowski and New Englands D. They had all 3 receivers score 4 or less points (Andre Johnson, Anquan Boldin and Heyward-Bey) and also got just 1.5 from Lamar Miller (da U is back though!!).

Denvers Nuggets 99.36, EverydayImRussellin 98.35
Beau sneaked one out despite starting Blair Walsh, who is a member of the Vikings, who did not play this week. He got just enough out of Matt Ryan last night (27.5) as well as Bilal Powell (4.5) without having him throw too much to Russellins Roddy White (4.5) to get the win. Other standouts for Denvers Nugz were Marshawn Lynch (10.5), Chris Johnson (16), Jason Witten (18) and St. Louis D (15). Russellin got 27.5 from their namesake, Russell Wilson, 21.5 from Fragile Freddie Jackson and 14.5 from CJ Spiller. Had Kenbrell Thompkins or Coby Fleener scored more than 3 points total, they could have pulled out a W.

JONESing for Austin 94.5, fry-fry chicky-chick 88.66
Cody pulled into 4th with a good all-around performance, including double digits from Alex Smith (15), Julio Jones (11), Willis McGahee (13), Julius Thomas (24) and Cecil Shorts (13.5). The win is especially impressive, given their starting QB (RGIII) and 2 starting RBs (Peterson and LeVeon Bell) were on bye weeks. Danibails started Stevan Ridley, who was out this week; had she put in Pierre Thomas (21), she would have scored 109.76 and won by 15 points. Andrew Luck (22), Torrey Smith (13), Shady McCoy (15) and DeSean Jackson (20) had nice weeks for her in their defeat. Cody will be in trouble if Julio Jones' foot injury ends up being season-ending, as rumors have started to suggest.

Here are your NFL GIF-caps!

Browns 37, Bills 24
I'll be honest, this game was a lot more exciting than I expected out of Browns-Bills. There were touchdowns (not gonna lie, I was expecting about zero). There were butt slaps (see below). And both teams put up some serious points despite losing their QB's of the future to knee injuries (and yes, Brian Hoyer is THE FUTURE OF THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!).

Booty butt butt butt

Hoyer Sacksa:

EJ "needs to read a" Manuel (on how to avoid unneccesary contact):

Even when the Browns win at football, they still lose at life:

Eagles 36, Giants 21
Remember when you thought the Giants were going to win this game? Guess you haven't seen the 2013 Giants, then.

HELMETPICK!

The season is slipping through the Giants' fingers. Oh wait, nevermind, that's just the ball slipping through their fingers. The season is long gone.

My boy David Wilson did get his first TD of the year, did backflips, and then promptly got hurt:

Manning face happened

Packers 22, Lions 9
Megatron missed the game, which made it infinitely less exciting than it could have been. The Packers extended their winning streak against Detroit in Wisconsin to 17 billion (okay, actually 23).

Randall Cobb made a nice catch:

He also had a nice run:

The Lions had one highlight:

This is the dance I do when I finish the league post:

Chiefs 26, Titans 17
The Titans played pretty well despite starting Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB. Fitzmagic was actually their leading rusher, with 6 carries for 50 yards and a TD. Chris Johnson sucks, with 10 carries for 17 yards (even though he had a 49 yard TD grab, he still sucks). Jamaal Charles had a 100 yard day with a TD thrown in there. KC got another defensive TD and is 5-0. ANDY REID IS 5-0!!

Chris Johnson had the ball and took it to the end zone:

Colts 34, Shehawks 28
Welp, somebody finally beat the Shehawks. Andrew Luck threw for 229 and 2 TD's to knock off his sophomore counterpart Russell Wilson (210 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT, and 102 yards rushing). Trent Richardson sucks (18 carries for 56 yards).

Jon Ryan got BLOWED UP!

TY Hilton does touchdown things:

Bengals 13, Patriots 6
This game was gross. Tom Brady was out-dueled by Andy "Soulless Ginger" Dalton, and saw his streak of consecutive games with TD passes end at 52. There were 4 FG's and a 1 yard Benjarvus Green-Ellis rushing TD. My roommate is a Bengals fan, and promptly got back on the Super Bowl bandwagon that was derailed by the CLEVELAND BROWNS last week.

Pacman goes nomnomnom

Sad Tommy Kelly is sad

Mad Tom Brady is mad

I think we should consider this to be a cry for help:

Rams 34, Jaguars 20
In a game where the Jaguars lost their 2 franchise players to injury (Luke Joeckel and Blaine Gab-hahahahhahahaha I can't even finish the joke), the Jaguars only lost by 2 TD's. After looking like hot garbage all season, Sam Bradford threw for 222 and 3 TD's. Austin Pettis scored 2 TD's, which leads me to ask, who is Austin Pettis?

Oh yeah, I remember who Austin Pettis is :(

Who cares about the pick-6? The Jaguars were actually leading in a football game!!

Saints 26, Bears 18
The Saints were great in the first half and good enough in the second to knock off DA BEARS. Drew Brees threw for 288 and 2 TD's (both to PIERRE THOMAS) and Alshon Jeffrey had 218 yards receiving on 10 catches. Brandon who?

I want to blame this on Jay Cutler because duh, but I can't bring myself to do so.

Pierre Thomas is French for Peter Thomas I think

Ravens 26, Dolphins 23
Ray Rice is back from the dead, with 74 yards on the ground and 2 TD's. Charles Clay got his 3rd TD of the season. Who?

Joe Flacco pick-6? Joe Flacco pick-6.

The Dolphins sent this game into overtime according to their mascot:

Broncos 51, Cowgirls 48
Man, what a game. The Cowgirls fought back time and time again, making for excellent television. And then they lost! Perfect game to spend my Sunday early evening watching. Tony Romo played extremely well (506 yards, 5 TD), but there is no way to justify his late pick. Even when he has the best game of his career, he still choked. Sorry I'm not sorry. Peyton Manning threw for 414, 4 TD and a pick (and also ran for one, as you'll see below).

I thought Cowgirls' cheerleaders were supposed to be hot?

Imagine all of the Broncos defenders as Jessica Simpson to make this funnier:

Nice hands, Dez (for once, I'm not being sarcastic)

BUTTTACKLE!

Peyton Manning can do no wrong:

And then, to cap it all off: Romo's gonna Romo:

Jerry Jones' emotional afternoon:

Cardinals 22, Panthers 6
Did you know that some poor people actually had to watch this game instead of Denver-Dallas? How sad. Here's what you missed:

(nothing)

Cam Newton blew (his nose, see below), throwing for 308 yards but 3 picks. Rashard Mendenhall blew, running for 48 yards but grabbing a TD. The Cardinals' D played well if you're into that sorta thing.

Safety! Nothing clever here, I'm too mad at Cam Newton for screwing my team in multiple leagues.

49ers 34, Texans 3
Wow, the Texans are outright bad. The Pride of UVA, Matt Schaub, threw for 173 and 3 picks. He was then benched for TJ Yates. Colin Kaepernick only needed to attempt 15 passes (and complete 6 of them) in this huge victory. San Fran didn't even play that well themselves, but did put together a nice 177 yard performance on the ground, including TD's from Frank Gore and Anthony Dixon, and tacked on a long passing TD to Vernon Davis late in the game.

The only GIFS I could find from this game are sad Matt Schaub:

Raiders 27, Chargers 17
The Sunday Late Night Game saw Philip Rivers do his Tony Romo impression, going 36/49 for 411 and 2 TD's, but with 3 picks to go along with them. Eddie Royal and Danny Woodhead added turnovers (the latter of which became Charles Woodson's 13th defensive TD of his career, tying the all-time record).

Ouch:

Philip Rivers tries Manning Face on:

Jets 30, Falcons 28
THE JETS BEAT THE FALCONS IN A GAME OF FOOTBALL. LOL. I don't dislike the Falcons by any means (nor do I like the Jets), but boy do I enjoy a nice upset on Monday Night. Geno Smith completed 80% of his passes for 199 yards and 3 TD's (!!!!!!) and added 21 yards on the ground. The Jets' 4-headed running attack (much to the chagrin of the world's only Bilal Powell fan, Ben Edwards) went for 118 yards on 22 carries. Nick Folk kicked 3 FG's. Wow. Matt Ryan had a nice game (36/45 for 319 and 2 TD/0 picks), but that, Julio Jones and Tony Gonzalez's 90+ yard performances, and Jacquizz's 2 rushing TD's just weren't enough to pull out a win.

Damn, the Jets have a sexy cheerleader