"Foe"Rensics: Western Michigan

Hello. Welcome to "Foe"Rensics where we find humorous things about the team we're playing this week and make up stuff and look at funny pictures, like this one of the Annual Kalamazoo Scottish Festival.

Lovely Kalamazoo, MI, where they haven't gotten the news Scotland voted against independence yet

1. Before we move on to this week, what happened last week?

A. Nothing, bye week, nothing to see here.

2. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. We lost to PAUL JOHNSON!?

A. Please. I just sobered up. Don't make me relive it.

3. HNNNNNGGGGGG. Fine. Move on before I punch my computer.

A. Okay, let's take a look at the mighty Broncos of Western Michigan University! Interestingly, Michiganians are actually terrible at geography; considering there is an entire separate peninsula of Michigan that goes EVEN FURTHER WEST, they still put a school on the eastern peninsula and named it "Western" Michigan. Speaking of, when the hell are we going to get NORTHERN Michigan on the schedule?

4. Tell me about not-so-Western Michigan.

A. Well. Western Michigan was founded in 1903 by Dwight Waldo, the inspiration for the famously geographically challenged Where's Waldo?. Dwight was actually map-illiterate, and it was a running joke in Kalamazoo that NO ONE was to tell him that the northern peninsula existed. In fact, they took it so far that while boating on Lake Michigan, when land was sighted and he found out it wasn't Canada, Waldo exclaimed, "What the f$&k?!" and keeled over from a heart attack, dead at age 55. Michiganites are really mean.

5. Wow. How do the students feel about that?

A. Well, pretty bad, actually. Current students hold the townies responsible for his death, and every year an elaborate ceremony takes place out on the lake honoring his death and sacrificing house pets snatched from the yards of town residents. In fact, it is the inspiration for Coach P.J. Fleck's Row The Boat motto.

6. Do they play football when they're not drowning cats?

A. They do! In fact, they've played us before! Three times! But before we get to those combined 124-0 drubbings, let's walk through some history. Turns out, WMU was good at football back before World War II, when they were known as the Hilltoppers¹. Things have been...not great since then. The Al Molde years are labeled the "Golden Years", when the Broncos won the MAC for their only time and lost a bowl to Fresno².

7. Ew. So are they like UVA, then?

A. No, they have actually won a conference title outright.

8. Ah, ok. Respect. Are there some arbitrarily selected alumni through which I can make an uninformed opinion of them?

A. Well, there's some good and some bad. The good includes Bruce Campbell, best known for playing the theater usher in Spider-Man 2, as well as Dr. Homer Hartman Stryker, inventor of a bunch of medical stuff and owner of one of the most badass names I've ever seen. The bad is highlighted by Tim Allen³ and Terry Crews of the insane Old Spice commercials, who might have gotten a better rating if I hadn't at first confused him with Terry Tate, Office Linebacker.

Ron Felcher attended WMU before starting his company, though

9. Terry Tate is the reason I recycle. So, did they develop any rivalries back when they were good?

No. However, since then, they started a couple of intrastate rivalries. Although they first played Central Michigan in 1907, it wasn't a rivalry until the 50s when CMU got good enough and WMU regressed enough that it became a contest. A rivalry trophy known as the Victory Cannon was added in 2008 when a drunk Dan LeFevour (former CMU QB) stole a super-sized cannon from a McDonalds during Monopoly week.

Later, after arm twisting from Governor Bob Seger, CMU and WMU were forced to add another rivalry with little brother Eastern Michigan, known as the Michigan MAC Trophy. Sadly, this is NOT a McDonald's inspired trophy, but looks like a broken piece of plexiglass.

Please note, both trophies being held by CENTRAL Michigan players

10. Tell me more about the football. I assume they have players?

A. In fact, they do. They have a strong tradition of recruiting overlooked guys from Florida, particularly those with strong names, like Rontavious Atkins, Chance Stewart and Cleveland Smith. They also managed to pry fullback Fabian Johnson away from Borussia Monchengladbach to try his hand at college football.

Good thing we're able to counter Fabian Johnson with USMNT's NEXT GOALIE AND WORLD CUP 2018 CHAMPION KENDALL FULLER! KICK SAVE!

Perhaps their most interesting player is J. Schroeder, who has no full first name given in the program. Either he wants to emulate former Washington football great Jay Schroeder⁴ or he's got a SUPER stupid name he's trying to hide. So use the comments section to come up with your best guess at what the 'J' stands for. Mine is Jeronimontavious.

11. Any Fullers?

A. Nope. However, completely unrelated, quarterback Zach Terrell, noted music enthusiast, had some interesting quotes⁵ in the build up to Saturday's game:

You know, it's a New York vs Detroit thing. Wu Tang just got hyped because they're from New York. But D12...man for man, they've got more talent than Wu Tang. Wu is just so 90s. Eminem and D12 is fresh, hip and NOW. Plus, there are 12 of them, they'd totally win in a fight.

12. Well. I think he had too many purple pills. So, with all those Florida players, are they any good at football?

A. Yes! In fact, 3 games into the season, they've already doubled their win total from last year, going to Moscow, ID to beat the Idaho Stalinists and this past week...I don't know if I want to mention this. This could be the bulletin board fodder that actually drives Bud Foster into the field of play to tear a human being in half with his bear⁶ hands.

13. Sooo...we're just going to look it up on the world wide web if you don't tell us.

A. Ok. Deep breaths. Western Michigan took Murray State, Bud's alma mater, behind the woodshed last Saturday, 45-14. Running back Jarvion Franklin had three touchdowns, I fear for his life.

A RACER ALWAYS PAYS HIS DEBTS

14. Yikes. He better find a table at the student union to yell obscenities so he can avoid making this trip. Do you have any restaurant recommendations for Jarvion during his pending suspension?

A. Yes! Kalamazoo is filled with places that make food, many of which will then sell it to people they do not know! According to Google, the best place to eat is Rustica. Let's hear what the reviews have to say. A Google User said:

Absolutely fabulous. If I ate their every time I wanted to eat there, I would weigh 500 lbs.

This review is useless. Aside from "their", the 500 lbs quote means nothing without context. What do you weigh now? Because your comment means completely different things depending on whether you weight 200 lb or 800 lb. Okay, let's hear from Marianna Zemen:

The food is excellent , some of the best food I have ever had, My son in Detroit agrees We come to Rustica whenever Jim is in town even if the parking is difficult.

"Parking" is difficult. Oh, Marianna. It's ok. We know. Jim never visits. He's off in Detroit and got those big city lights in his eyes. Kalamazoo is too small to hold the dreams of a kid like him. And you're forced to live vicariously through a restaurant in a Kalamazoo mall that serves locally sourced rustic European cuisine. Let's move on from your pain to a Google User:

Sure, its $20 a head, but this is the place I would take an out of towner for a nice dinner.

Wait, you think $20 a head is EXPENSIVE?! Aw, hell, Marianna, I'LL be Jim and I'M COMIN HOME.

15. Man, is there room for two Jims? WAIT, first...do they barbecue?

A. They do! And in a way that COMPLETELY is not trying to compensate for anything! Like naming a restaurant Hogzilla! Let's hear what frequent diner Mike Smith had to say:

I been visiting Hogzilla since it was called Sonny's and it been approved in quality and flavor.I usually order sampler platter with couple of there sides heavenly Mac and cheese and Potato salad. Ribs are great with perfect smoke and spice flavor. Brisket is melt in your mouth tender. They make there own bbq sauce which I buy by bottle for home use its msg free.

16. That they're sounds like some good eats. Tell me about the FAINT count.

A. I've figured it out. He's got the rest of you fooled, but I'm on to Michael Brewer. He has realized a way he can truly achieve Hokie immortality on as well as off the field...by throwing enough interceptions to exceed infinity, wrap around the number continuum and approach the FAINT goal of -2 from NEGATIVE INFINITY. He will prove himself a mathematical genius in the process and fellow Texan Matthew McConaughey a philosophical genius.

AND YOU JUST THOUGHT HE WAS STONED WHEN HE SAID THAT

17. Alright, alright, alright. RAGE MATCH me.

A. French already broke down where there were mistakes, so I'll focus on the positive. Our perennial ragers Dadi (a sack and 2 TFLs) and Deon Clarke (1/2 sack and a fumble recovery) had good games, Corey Marshall had that monster play where he blew up Justin Thomas and almost ate him, but NO ONE had a game like Chase Williams' breakout game on Saturday. Bud's scheme against the Jackets lends itself to the mike backer having a huge day⁷, and Chase did not disappoint. 17 tackles, including 2 1/2 tackles for loss and two quarterback hurries. Chase was everywhere on Saturday and he got there angry.

18. Excellent. Finally, what should I be watching for this week?

A. Aside from keeping Jarvion Franklin out of Bud's teeth:

• If the video booth in Lane is ready to drop this REMIXXXX on Saturday;
• KENDALL FULLER, CATCH A DAMN FAINT;
• If our offensive line can push around a MAC team;
• Deon Clarke yelling and screaming a lot, hopefully;
• Kyshoen Jarrett go boom.

That's enough for Western Michigan. Next week, we revisit UNC.

¹They changed to the Broncos because Hilltoppers was too common. Seriously. Boise State, Santa Clara and John Elway would like a word, please.
²They've never won a bowl game
³WMU also serves as the fictional alma mater of Tim "The Tool" Taylor as well as wife Jill
⁴HAHAHAHA, obviously that's not it
⁵I made these up
⁶Not a typo
⁶They've had double figure tackles every year since 2008, except for last year when Kyle Fuller Fullered everything