"Foe"Rensics: Woo, Chop Suey

Hello. It's bowl season! After your beloved Hokies returned to their rightful place atop the Coastal Division, a helluva showing in the ACC Championship Game restored my faith in the future of Virginia Tech football. The Hokies now celebrate a successful season with an appearance in a prestigious bowl, played at an exotic location, against a marquee opponent. That's right, Tech travels to Charlotte to face Arkansas in a mid-week, late afternoon bowl game in an NFL stadium with a sponsor that sounds like a synonym for a vomit-burp!

Oh god, I thought about the offseason and just Belked in my mouth a little

1. Alright, way to sell those bowl tickets. What have I missed since you last bothered us?

A. Aside the aforementioned ACC Championship Game which was remarkably entertaining and enjoyable for a loss, the Hokies slept walk through a Belllllllk-inducing loss to Georgia Tech, accomplished a remarkable comeback in South Bend, and curb stomped the Hoos bad enough that it was 38-0, bro, four minutes into the third quarter.

2. Well, half of those things sounds cool.

A. They were! And keeping in the spirit of this column, we're not going to talk about the other half! And those Coastal Division rings were parlayed into a third trip to North Carolina this season to face the delicious hogs of Arkansas.

DUDE. THAT'S BEBOP. Why is he red?

Yes, the University of Arkansas has fully embraced the SEC's national role as the villain of college football by using a B-list Ninja Turtle bad guy as their mascot. They, of course, trail far behind their SEC West brethren in this off the field measure as well, particularly that school in Tuscaloosa who selected the antichrist as their mascot and head coach.

3. Why don't you give us all some background on this upcoming opponent?

A. Of course! The University of Arkansas has a long and illustrious history, even before naming themselves after a giant, delicious rural rat¹. Their saga begins at a remote logging camp in Washington County, AR in the 1850s, where a man on the run from the authorities took a job to help hide from the law. They were after him for a variety of offenses, the most noteworthy being running an illegal still, drowning a deputy who discovered said still in the still, then bottling and selling the resultant whiskey². Well, knowing logging men in the remote Ozark Mountains were likely to be suspect of outsiders, he played upon their patriotism (hello, Washington County) and claimed to be the Marquis de Lafayette (despite the real Marquis having died 20 years earlier) on a grand tour of the US. He was thus eagerly welcomed by the calendar- and math-challenged timbermen, and quickly settled in amongst them, his acceptance likely accelerated by the still he soon had up and running.

A few years passed, and the camp grew into a small town, with the loggers settling down and starting families. Life grew a little boring for Lafayette, so one day he claimed to have received a vision from god that the second flood was coming and that his mission was to build the vessel to save all the animals of the world. Well, the good ole Marquis was quite the persuasive speaker, and pretty soon had all the loggers in the camp hard at work on a giant boat as well as out collecting pairs of all the animals they could find. Lafayette even ran for the governorship of the territory, running on a platform of revitalizing the timber industry through biblical salvation, with a catchy slogan of "Ark & Saw!"

Well, one day shortly before the election, Lafayette took a few too many nips from his private reserve, and made a drunken confession to the town mayor that he'd made everything up, even fessing up to actually being Thomas Jefferson's red-headed...child, Monty. The mayor was furious, to the point where he, ironically, drowned Monty in his own still, covered up the death as natural causes, and exhorted the people to continue god's work.

The whole town was devastated by the death, honoring Lafayette by renaming the town Fayetteville, and repurposing his slogan as the name of the newly incorporated territory, Arkansas³.

4. Well. He finally got his comeuppance for founding Cincinnati

A. Yep. To further Lafayette's dream of building an ark, they founded a school in town to focus on timber, animal husbandry, and general agriculture. On top of the agriculture and animal science, they're known for their architecture program, they wrangled the land grant designation in a state with a strong coal mining industry, held their first classes in 1872 and were added to their current conference as part of the expansion to get to 12 member schools and OH MY GOD, THEY'RE THE ARKANSAS VERSION OF VIRGINIA TECH.

5. Gaaaaaaaaaaaasp...wait, do they have a LOLUVA?

A. Oh. Well I guess here's where the analogy fails; their biggest in-state rival is Arkansas State, who is far better at football than Tech's neighbors to the north. On the other hand, Arkansas doesn't actually consider the Red Wolves to be a rival, so I guess it IS a bit similar after all.

6. How do they football?

A. Mediocrely. They've definitely had some up years, proudly proclaiming they were ranked the 19th most prestigious program in college football history, but 10th IF YOU ONLY COUNT THE SIXTIES, just as the Hokies are the second most prestigious college football program IF YOU ONLY COUNT 1999. To their credit, they do claim a national title in 1964⁴, when they went undefeated and beat Nebraska in the Cotton Bowl⁵.

Those heady days of the sixties came while the Razorbacks were in the old Southwest Conference, the only professional conference in college football. Arkansas last won a conference title there in 1989, their second in a row, both coming immediately following the death penalty being dealt to former conference-mate SMU. Two years later, Arkansas suddenly realized they were not, in fact, in the American southwest, but in the southEAST, and adjusted conference membership appropriately.

7. Oh, so now they're SEC and magically ten times better than they were before?

A. Uh, sure. They have garnered the SEC West crown a whopping three times in the last 25 years, the most recent coming in 2006. These days, they're more known for playing in weird games, like the six overtime loss at Tennessee in 2002, the SEVEN overtime win at Ole Miss in 2001 and ANOTHER seven overtime win at Kentucky in 2003. That's exhausting just writing about. But perhaps they are best known for the Miracle Fumble in 1998, where Clint Stoerner, instead of kneeling or handing off like someone with a brain, fumbled and enabled Tennessee to pull a victory out of its ass and go on to win the national title that year, ruining many years for Hokie Nation in Southwest Virginia.

High OT counts and clumsy QBs are not good things to be known for

8. Were any of those OT games scoreless at the end of regulation?

A. I hate you.

9. Feeling's mutual. Do they have a coach?

A. Yes, his name is Bret Bielema, and he is the highest paid employee of the state of Arkansas. He started there in 2013, where his success can be neatly summarized by the statistic that his $4M a year salary resulted in him getting paid [ERROR: DIVIDE BY ZERO] per conference win that year. He has since clawed his way back to a 25-25 record, and it's a shame that he'll dip back under .500 for his career at Arkansas after the Belk Bowl.

10. Any other interesting coaches?

A. Yes! Their national championship was won by Frank Broyles, who you may know as the person who invented the Frank Broyles Award, given to the best assistant coach in college football⁶⁷.
More recently, they fired Lou Holtz for being annoying as hell in the 80s, had Danny Ford AFTER Clemson, and were a longtime home to good ole boy Houston Nutt. After Nutt, they were the embarrassed employers of one Bobby Petrino, a stain of a human being who taught motorcycle safety courses on the side.

11. Do they have any Fullers?

A. Nope, meaning this will be the second year in a row where there are no Fullers participating in a Virginia Tech bowl game :o( They do boast brothers Grant and Drew Morgan, but the power of brothers has been rendered impotent by the latter's man bun.

Only two people in the world can pull this off, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Gareth Bale.

12. What about the rest of the roster?

A. Notably, they have Pearl Jam fan Jeremi(ah) Ledbetter, a European guy named Hjalte Froholdt⁸ who is NOT a kicker, Bijhon "Frise" Jackson, a Cheyenne, a Justice, a River, and the best respelling of a city ever, Rawleigh Williams III. Finally, their backfield includes running back Juan Day, who was named for the hit song from Jewish beatboxing reggae star Matisyahu:

Hey, 311 and Nickelback sold a bunch of records, who are we to judge.

13. Any interesting alumni?

A. Yes! John Madden's sidekick, Pat Summerall, the guy who played Spock's half brother, Laurence Luckinbill, and it appears almost every single governor of Arkansas. Most notably on that list are a man saddled with a horrific namesake, Thomas Jefferson Terral, all-name team member Xenophon Overton Pindall, and a guy who seemed like a genuine bad ass, Sid McMath. Finally, that 1964 national championship produced not only Super Bowl winning coach Jimmy Johnson, but the OWNER of that team and the annual winner of most popular American, Jerry Jones, amongst others.

14. Any cool football related traditions?

A. Uh...no, not really. The only big thing that is unique to Arkansas is "Calling the Hogs", where they yell WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, PIG SOOUIE, which apparently is how you literally call hogs. I mean, you have so many opportunities here, guys. You could've set up a bunch of barbecue pits and produced tons of pulled pork and ribs celebrating the fact that you have the most delicious mascot in the world. OR, since you kinda sorta have (had) a rivalry with Texas, you could do the same with brisket and beef ribs and crow about how you eat your rivals⁹. You could train a wild boar to do some kind of cool entrance thing like Auburn does with the eagle, or hell, what does an eagle have to do with the Auburn Tigers, do it with a really smart dog instead. The point is, y'all got options, and you're sticking with Bebop and hog calling. Think on it some.

15. Do they have rivalries?

A. Eh. So they had a bunch of rivalries in the old Southwest Conference, particularly with Texas, but apparently that wasn't THAT big of a deal since they've only scheduled three regular season games since they left the conference 25 years ago (in addition to two bowl games). They sorta have a rivalry with Texas A&M since they're back in the same conference again, but it seems kind of contrived and forced. They also sort of have rivalries with Ole Miss and LSU, but again, those seem to be a convenience of conference; they hadn't played either team more than three dozen or so times prior to joining the SEC, and in the case of LSU, hadn't played them since 1966.

But let's run with that. Okay, now you play LSU every year for the "Golden Boot", which is great, way to not embrace your mascots so you can brag on the fact that when you put your two states together it kind of looks like a boot.

Wow. Now I'm super excited for this intense rivalry game. Woot. Also, to take the analogy too far, what the hell is going on with his toes?

Here's the other thing; until recently, Arkansas didn't even play LSU on campus. They "hosted" the game in Little Rock, the state capital, which is almost 200 miles away, which is...weird. And something that Arkansas apparently does on the regular, hosting one or two games a year on the other end of the state. I mean, that's like if Virginia Tech decided to start playing one or two home games a year at RFK, which is...actually a great idea. As one of tens of thousands of alumni in the DC area, that would be freaking awesome.

16. Do they have food in Arkansas?

A. They do. My extensive Google research has led me to Flying Burrito Co, which has earned some rave reviews, such as this one from Andrew Nichols:

If you have never had flying burrito, you are gravely missing out.

I'm honestly not sure what he's going for here. I don't think gravely is the word he is looking for unless he means that you should be very solemn and serious WHILE you are not trying the burritos. Does he mean to accentuate the level of missing out that you are at? Or did he misspell and it's actually the restaurant that's missing out by not serving gravy over its burritos which seems to be a bit of a cuisine clash, but I like barbecue sauce on fish sticks so I'll keep my opinions to myself here. Moving on, from A Google User:

I ate here once. I now live in Mississippi and they don't have one here. If you have one here I would eat there all the time.

Yes. I believe that you would eat there. If there was one in Mississippi. Which is not the same size as somewhere like Rhode Island. Which, if you lived in Rhode Island and they opened one there, it would probably be 30 min away, max. But...Mississippi is kinda big. Like, your burrito could be 350 miles away from you depending on where they opened it in Mississippi. You should maybe be more specific.

17. Do they barbecue in Arkansas?

A. They do, it's actually in the SEC bylaws that if you don't have a good barbecue place within the town limits that you have to dox all of your bagmen to your rival schools. Don't worry, Fayetteville is in compliance through a multitude of establishments, the highest rated being Wes's Barbeque. First impressions: they don't have a real website, they have a Facebook page, always a positive indicator for a barbecue joint. Second, they proudly announce on said Facebook page that they are NOW accepting credit cards, meaning that for much of their 20 year history they did not, ALSO a good sign. So let's hear what Eduardo Jorge had to say:

The place on the inside is ugly, i found a underwear in the men's bathroom trashcan, not cleaned in a while(floors&tables) the place is just old... but I give it a 5 star rating because the food is AMAZING I am not even kidding right now. The purpose of a restaurant is the food it serves and the food here is amazing.. also if the place is really that much of a porblem take the food home! Wes is a master BBQ chef 💯 🔥

Sooooo many questions. Beyond where the underwear came from or why Eduardo was going through the trash in the men's room, he does make a good point that if you don't like the decor, take the food home. However, I would hazard that he's implying more of general hygiene issues, which rather adversely affect said food, and which is not mitigated by removing the food from the unhygienic establishment and taking it somewhere else. However, I'm going to give Wes the benefit of the doubt that the underwear in the trash has nothing to do with his cooking methods and recommend you try his barbecue.

As always, a helpful reminder that if you are eating in Fayetteville on Thursday, you are doing it wrong.

18. How are the FAINTs looking?

A. Well, Jerod Evans edged all the way up to seven interceptions this season, eviscerating his season record of three established last year at Trinity Valley Junior College. However, the defense kept pace and picked off 13 passes, which, as a Bud Foster adherent, is sort of astoundingly low. The Hokies still stand at -6 on the year, but short-term goal to push that into double digits, guys.

19. What should we watch for on this Thursday?

A. I'm watching for:

• Let's be honest, either Isaiah or Bucky ain't comin back, maybe both. So go out on fire, gentlemen.
• I have decided that I enjoy Motuapuaka touchdowns, and I would like more of them.
• Let's see if we can pick up the Arkansas fans yelling at pigs on the television.
• This lady. I feel like the tape on the nose to make it look pig snoutish really completes this video.

For those traveling to Charlotte, enjoy! And we'll see you again in 8 months when it's time to do research on THE West Virginia University.

¹Who cause an estimated $1.5 billion in agriculture damage per year, or slightly more than LOLUVA spends per football win
²Oddly enough, in Louisiana, where this took place, the murder resulted only in a fine. However, serving food or drink that was directly produced from human remains violated a statute of the health code that was subject to capital punishment.
³Further honoring Lafayette by using the phonetic French spelling.
⁴Fun fact: that year we finished 2nd in the Southern Conference, behind the Cousins, but ahead of a murderer's row of GW, the Citadel, William and Mary, Richmond, Davidson, Furman and VMI, only one of whom (GW) finished with a winning record (5-4). Guh.
⁵Alabama, interestingly, claims three football national titles that year.
⁶This is actually given to the SECOND best assistant coach in college football every year, as they realized it would not be fair to give it to Bud Foster EVERY DAMN YEAR.
⁷I can't really find any evidence that Broyles was a GREAT assistant coach; he was definitely a great HEAD coach, but he seems an odd namesake for the award.
⁸Which the commentators are still more likely to get right than MO-TU-AH-PU-AH-KA
⁹WARNING: Your current rivalry with LSU does not lend itself well to this form of expression, as I'm pretty sure it's illegal to barbecue tigers.