"Foe"Rensics: Come Sail Away

Hello, sports fans! It's every TRUE Virginian's favorite time of year. The humid soup we've been living in all summer is finally retreating and we won't have swamp pits much longer. Oh, and football! Football is happening again! And I don't want to jinx it, but Virginia Tech is entering SEC play¹ on a WINNING STREAK²! That's right, the Hokies are starting out the season right, by taking on Power Five Four opponent, Vanderbilt!

1. Alright, I just got out of a Euro/Copa America/Wimbledon/Olympics international sports coma. Catch me up.

A. Oh boy. Short version, the Hokies embarrassed LOLUVA so bad they closed the hill to keep us from storming the field AGAIN, then Tulane was pwned in cold, wet, Annapolis, basically the entire team came back to chase a 'ship, and Cal and Stanford announced they were abandoning the Pacific to lay claim to the Atlantic and somehow SMU³ showed up at the initiation ceremony as well, bribing their way past security. In a defiant move that roiled these campuses, they went so far as to declare they would begin observing Eastern Daylight Time to acclimate. Florida State, Clemson, and the ACC are all suing each other and basically having the drunk, post-Thanksgiving meal family shouting match in the middle of the street, throwing wild haymakers that don't connect and the entire football world is watching and laughing. Meanwhile, the new season kicked off with FSU shitting the bed in a different country, for variety's sake, and SMU embracing ACC pride by spitting on opponents. Alas, we are a fanbase divided; when our poor conference finally evaporates, do we flee to the frozen tundra of a conference with multiple weasel family mascots or the swampy fields of cash down south where I think you have to be a Tiger or a Bulldog?

2. They do seem to be weasels made out of money, at least.

A. Good point. The consistent theme elsewhere is money, but also not looking like idiots when you play each other (see: Wake vs VT) or sue each other (see: gestures at everything happening this offseason). Things the ACC hasn't figured out yet, but it's trying! Only another decade-plus before we can start seriously talking about the end of the conference. In the meantime, the ACC will bide their time and wait for the Mountain West to start crumbling and maybe see if they can swoop in and steal coveted New Mexico and Utah State out from under everyone's noses.

3. Alright, sorry I asked. Do you want to move past the Debbie Downer stuff and talk about this coming season?