Halfwits and Wagers is Tired of Being the Nice Guy

After a few false starts and impressive agility from the ACC scheduling committee, the Hokies are set to kick off the 2020 season with a primetime matchup against NC State. With fans scattered throughout the Lane Stadium stands — friends, family, and cutouts of French fishing for cobia — Justin Fuente and Co. will look to start off Year 5 with a victory that could go a long way in providing an anxious fan base reassurance that Virginia Tech football hasn't completely gone off the rails.

And with the first somewhat recognizable college football slate set for this weekend (read, one that includes the SEC), the gambling juices are finally flowing again.

Without further ado, on to the lines!

Over / Under: 2.5 Virginia Tech quarterbacks enter the game

Joey: A real tester to get us started. Justin Fuente has already revealed (gasp!) that he intends to operate some form of a two-quarterback system this fall, with established starter Hendon Hooker leading the way and Braxton Burmeister set to receive snaps. There's been rumors around Merryman for what feels like an eternity that Burmeister is the best quarterback in town, so it didn't come as a complete shock that he's at least challenging for playing time through fall camp.

Throw in the prospects of Quincy Patterson as a short-yardage option / 250-pound wrecking ball, and it's not unfathomable that we could see 3 quarterbacks enter the game. (I heard Tech also needs a rover...?)

All that said, I think the under is the play here for two reasons:

1. It feels reasonable that 1 of the top 3 is out due to COVID-19. Welcome to 2020.
2. Quincy was just as physically frightening last year but was scarcely used when Hooker was healthy.

Under. 1-0 to start the year.

The Fifth Fuller: So, question...are there potentially COVID test results coming back during the game? I feel like the over is more enticing if Hendon goes into the locker room at halftime and gets booted to quarantine from there. The only other reasonable over is if the Hokies boat race NC State so badly that Patterson is getting mop up time. I get the feeling that if Hooker or Burmeister get injured during the game, Fuente's nuts are going to shrivel up and he's going to put shrink wrap on Patterson with the primary aim of getting out of Saturday with two healthy quarterbacks. I'm going with the under as well.

True / False: A Running Back leads the Hokies in rushing (bonus point if you predict the leading rusher)

Joey: I think I've mentioned this in a previous Halfwits column, but for the sake of full transparency: I bet Boston College -20 last year against Kansas. What proceeded to happen was a 48-24, take them behind the woodshed and steal their lunch money drubbing of a Boston College team that just two weeks earlier had beaten the Hokies. For the non-mathematicians among us, Kansas covered by 44.

And yeah, Khalil Herbert just so happened to run for 187 yards on 11 carries (really, Steve Addazio?) without being touched by a single one of Addazio's "dudes". Some guy named Pooka also broke the century mark — it was a rough night, OK?

All that goes to say that in my stupid gambling brain, Khalil Herbert is the best damn running back in college football. True.

The Fifth Fuller: I am sorry, my friends. Gone are the days of Darren Evans dropping a quarter stack on Maryland. Lee Suggs running for more touchdowns than LOLUVA has fans...period. This ain't Frank Beamer's PRO-grum. We're as likely to see Tayvion Robinson ripping off 150 yards on jet sweeps or Hendon Hooker piling up 100+ on zone reads as one of the now-suddenly-crowded running back stable getting carries consistently enough to lead the team. Looking back at last year, I did notice that against Boston College, Keshawn King led the Hokies with an astounding 33 yards. However, if we get to the point where a running back wins this contest with less than three dozen yards, chances are I am going to be MUCH angrier about something else than not picking this right. I'm going with Hendon Hooker leading the Hokies in rushing against NC State.

Most Receptions: Tre Turner, James Mitchell, or Raheem Blackshear

Joey: This one feels like a crapshoot. With Damon Hazelton and Dalton Keene out of the picture, Tre Turner and James Mitchell should be the unquestioned feature wideouts (and there's limited proven depth behind them to steal snaps). At the same time, Raheem Blackshear has been the most hyped up Hokie through fall camp, and he promises to be a swiss army knife that Brad Cornelsen can use in a variety of different ways (#ALLTHEJETSWEEPS).

The winner will likely change week-to-week, but I'll go with Turner against what appears to be a porous NC State secondary. Also, jet sweeps count as runs until Corny incorporates the pop pass into his repertoire. (Hopefully he doesn't read TKP...)

The Fifth Fuller: Turner, hands down. NC State's defense did not inspire confidence, and that first Wake Forest touchdown looked like the kind of fade that Cornelsen loves to call and Turner loves to catch. Depending on how Hamilton's defense shows up, particularly with a true freshman potentially starting in the secondary, this could turn into a shootout, which tends to favor the quarterback's favorite big play receiver.

Over / Under: 1.5 Turnovers Forced by Virginia Tech Defense

Joey: I'd feel better about the over here if Caleb Farley hadn't opted out and if Devon Hunter was eligible, but Lord knows we can't have nice things in 2020. I'll still roll with the over for a few reasons:

1. The Hokies forced 2+ turnovers in 4 of their final 6 games last year after hitting that mark in only 2 of the first 7.
2. It's still early in a COVID-19 impacted college football season, which means an already sloppy sport should get even sloppier.
3. NC State fumbled twice against the Demon Deacons but lost neither, meaning the Hokies are in for some good juju.

The Fifth Fuller: I'm going to echo the good juju by pointing out that the Hokies only recovered five fumbles all of last season. That's terrible, and karma owes Tech some. I'm going to also completely jinx that by saying NC State's quarterback looked great because he was playing against Wake Forest's terrible secondary, and switching up to face a Hokie defense is like switching the turntable from 33 up to 45. I'm expecting Hamilton to have some fun stuff mixed in that is going to make NC State do dumb things like force throws into narrow windows. Last thing; there's a Fuller on staff, lest we forget. I'm surprised the line isn't higher.

More Total Points: Notre Dame by itself (vs. Wake Forest) or UVA vs. Duke combined

Disclaimer: This line was created before the Notre Dame game was cancelled due to a COVID-19 outbreak, but the show must go on. We'll just have to wait a bit longer to cash our tickets.

Joey: In case you missed it last weekend, a bit of breaking news out of South Bend:

IM TIRED OF BEING THE NICE GUY pic.twitter.com/NbWakd9EU1— Jessica Smetana (@jessica_smetana) September 19, 2020

While the perfect irony of red-faced Brian Kelly perceiving himself (and Notre Dame as a whole) as the nice guy is worth its own column, we'll focus on the line at hand. And as unfortunate as it may be, Notre Dame's offense racked up 35 points in the first half against South Florida last weekend, and seems to be heating up after limping out of the gate against the Fighting Cutcliffes. With a comfy matchup against Wake Forest on deck, Notre Dame figures to approach 50 for a second straight week.

So the question becomes, can Duke and UVA deliver a consumable product and reach the end zone a few times each? Nope. Give me the nice guys of Notre Dame.

The Fifth Fuller: Nothing gives me the heebie jeebies like putting faith in the Hoos to do anything but embarrass themselves while people in ties watch. But I have to say, maybe it's the fact that all the bowties will be (not) watching from home this weekend, I have complete confidence in them being able to work with Duke to put up some points. I'm not saying this is going to be an NC State-Wake Forest level points-fest, but can see a respectable showing.

On the other hand, I can't see Notre Dame OR Wake doing much this weekend. In fact, I'll guaran-damn-tee you that neither of them is going to even put a tenth of the points up they each put up last weekend, even with Wake's leaky defense. It's going to be like they are quarantined from the end zone. Frankly, it's going to seem like Notre Dame didn't even bother to show up in Winston-Salem.

Disclaimer: This answer was created after the Notre Dame game was cancelled due to a COVID-19 outbreak.

The Joey Coogan Memorial "Navy Hits the Over" Lock of the Week.

Joey: Trust me, I dislike Pat Narduzzi just as much as the next guy, but my lock of the week is Pitt. Mad Pat's defense is stingy as ever (with fresh new uniforms to boot), and Louisville is reeling after a humbling two-score loss at home against Miami.

Don't think, just bet. Pitt -2.5.

The Fifth Fuller: Not to dredge up bad memories, but do y'all remember Lynn Bowden, that guy that eviscerated the Hokie defense for 233 rushing yards and 2 touchdowns, while also throwing another one? Yeah, that guy doesn't play for Kentucky anymore. Do you remember what ANYONE ELSE on Kentucky did in that game? Yeah, me neither. And Auburn is only favored by 7.5 against the Wildcats. Now, I don't know if there's a 'Rona outbreak down on the Plains we don't know about, but even if they are dealing with War Damn COVID, I think Auburn spanks the Cats by several touchdowns.

Spread: Virginia Tech -7

Joey: This line opening at 10 was baffling, and to be honest, 7 still feels high. I think Virginia Tech wins, but there's just too many question marks — with the most basic one being "who is and isn't playing?" — to feel confident about giving a touchdown to a halfway decent conference foe.

Give me NC State and the points.

The Fifth Fuller: Wait, the Hokies are only favored by a Jermaine Waller pick six? A single Tre fade to the back corner of the end zone? ONE Khalil Herbert goal line dive? A solitary Tayvion Robinson punt return to the house? A lonely Hendon Hooker keeper on the zone read to pay dirt? Blackshear breaking a run for 80 yards and a serenade from Skipper? Hooker finding Mitchell in the back of the end zone ONCE? Two Rayshard Ashby safeties and a field goal?

GIVE ME THE HOKIES AND ALL OF THE TOUCHDOWNS. WHICH WILL BE AT LEAST ONE MORE THAN THE WOLFPACK SCORE PLUS AN EXTRA POINT.

Also, can anyone confirm that someone's going to show up to fire Skipper on Saturday, even if the rest of us don't?

Disclaimer: Some of these are real betting lines, but many of them are fake and none of this is real advice that should be taken seriously.